How Pornography Kills Love

Dear Laurie,

I’m grieving the loss of my young womanhood and the
countless nights I went to bed wounded in heart and frustrated
sexually. It’s hard to look at my face in mid-life and wonder how my
husband rejected me when I was at my best—I was really pretty.

I went through the stages you did. I was obedient,
submitting even over tiny issues. I ministered to his needs and enjoyed
it, even when he was oblivious to mine. For years, I’ve suffered from
exhaustion—afraid that if I went to bed before my husband, I’d be
neglecting his sexual or emotional needs.

In the process, I was punished by his lack of involvement
in our home and our children’s lives. Worse, he’d spend days picking at
me until I exploded. Looking back, I realize that I was so hungry for
an emotional connection with him that I was willing to get it through
anger if that was the only way he would hear me.

Meanwhile, I suffered terrible guilt from the increasing
breakdowns I was having due to exhaustion. When I fell apart because I
was overly exhausted or confused by lies, I was viewed as “the problem.”

Once, when I ran out of a Bible time he was having
because I was upset that he was demeaning me, my husband shoved me,
tore the keys out of my hand and swore at me. I was afraid to tell him
how I felt. I thought that would be unsubmissive since a good wife
should like everything her husband does and not suggest any changes.

Afterward, I ran to all his counseling books. Not a
single Christian source I checked told me these “minor” abuses not only
weren’t minor but were repugnant to God. I had to go to a secular book
to find information on abuse.

It seems Christians assume the wounded must be under some
sort of judgment or discipline from the Lord. It’s almost a Hindu
approach to life—fatalistic, instead of a good, clean anger after a
wrong done.

I constantly wonder what I could have done differently. The question absolutely hounds me!

I was living within the context of a lie. I wasn’t
responsible for that lie. The false data gave me wrong clues as well as
wrong ideas about myself, the Lord and my husband. Looking back, the
one thing I should have done is pray more for truth.

Hurting

Are you as moved by that letter as I am? It came from a
woman who eschewed the feminist philosophy of self-fulfillment. She
“came home” from the workplace to give herself to her husband and
children.

Highly respected by both their church and their
community, her family appeared to have it all together. Her husband, a
well-known speaker on family issues, seemed to be a godly man.

But the truth was, the husband was hiding a secret life
filled with pornography and sexual betrayal. The guilt accompanying his
deceit showed up in the form of mind games that he played on his wife.

The Truth About Pornography

Hurting’s letter is only one of many hundreds of letters
that poured in after the publication of my book, An Affair of the Mind,
which explores the devastating impact pornography has on marriages. I
am saddened to discover that so many others have experienced the
betrayal that pornography brings to a marriage.

My letter writers and I are not alone. Studies show that
40 percent to 50 percent of Christian men are involved in pornography.
Wondering if your husband is one of them is scary.

But, some of you already know. Some of you have friends
who are suffering through this. Some of you are wondering what you
should tell your teens about why they should avoid X-rated Web sites.

Whatever your situation, the truth will set you free to
be a healthy wife, supportive friend and loving mother. So let’s look
at some of the truths about pornography.

Pornography is addictive. Dr. Mary Ann Layden,
Director for the Center for Cognitive Therapy, says that an addiction
to pornography is harder to break than a cocaine addiction and that
recovery from it is more likely to result in relapse than any other
addiction. Why?

When you view pornography, a powerful mix of hormones is
released in the brain. Two hundred times more potent than morphine and
more addictive than cocaine, endorphins and enkephalins bring on a
“rush.” The brain is just as driven to want this “rush” as a drug
addict’s body is driven to want drugs.

Pornography causes sexual dysfunction. Many people
believe that pornography, especially “soft-core” erotica, is simply a
depiction of normal, healthy heterosexuality. Nothing could be further
from the truth. Pornography contains much false, misleading and
scientifically inaccurate information about sexuality, especially
female sexual nature and response.