How Pornography Kills Love

For example, pornography portrays an endless round of
thrilling sexual escapades with an endless bevy of breathless,
hot-blooded babes and stud-muffins. The not-so-subtle message is that
these babes and stud-muffins are more breathless and hot-blooded if
you’re not married to them. This is more fantasy than fact.

“Couples not involved [sexually] before their marriage
and faithful during marriage are more satisfied with their current sex
life and also with their marriage, compared to those who were involved
sexually before marriage,” says Dr. David Larson of the National
Institutes of Health in an unpublished manuscript entitled “Behind
Closed Doors.” Dr. Larson and his associates also found that women who
feel secure and loved and who trust that their man is around to stay
are twice as fulfilled as women who are promiscuous.

There are physiological reasons why this is so. In
healthy sexuality, two special parts of our nervous system, the
sympathetic nervous system (SNS) and the parasympathetic nervous system
(PNS) work together in harmony to bring about sexual arousal and
release. If you give a fearful, guilty or embarrassed meaning to a
sexual experience, the SNS will over-react, blocking normal sexual
arousal.

Recently, I held a sobbing woman I’ll call Jane. Jane
stammered out her shame over things she had done in her marriage bed.
Her husband stood nearby, hanging his head, saying he had asked her to
perform those acts.

He thought they were OK—after all, the women in
pornography enjoyed them. But in real life, those sexual practices
cause pain. Jane’s nervous system overloaded on the shame, fear and
pain she was experiencing. As a result, she became sexually
dysfunctional.

Pornography can cause sexual dysfunction in other ways.
Those who use pornography often develop “sexual anorexia.” This means
they are unable or unwilling to enter into a sexual relationship with
their spouses.

Sometimes this is because shame about the things they
have done in secret make them want to hide from their spouses. Other
times it’s because they are angry with their spouses for not agreeing
to act out a pornographic fantasy. Either way, sex is infrequent, and
the innocent spouse wonders why he or she is no longer desirable.

Finally, pornography usage can lead to sexual
dissatisfaction. Being compared to some unrealistic standard is a real
turn-off. Women who clean bathrooms, make lunches and kiss boo-boos
can’t compete with women who are pumped up, tucked up and air-brushed.

Pornography leads to abuse. The myth that women
secretly want to be raped is a big part of pornography. Many of our
young people believe this myth. A study of 1,700 junior high teens
found that 65 percent of the boys and 57 percent of the girls believe
it’s OK for a male to force a female to have sex if they have been
dating for six months.

Pornography also causes more subtle forms of abuse. In
pornography, a woman does whatever a man wants her to do. For example,
there’s one interactive CD on which it’s possible to have over a
million virtual sex experiences with a woman—you simply program in what
you want her to do.

The normal needs of a live woman anger a man who has been
used to being in total control of fantasy women. That may be why the
states that have the highest readership of pornography also have the
highest rates of domestic violence.

Recently, I heard a talk show host tell a caller that as
long as no body fluids were exchanged, she needn’t worry about her
husband’s exploration of Internet porn. The talk show host was
wrong—pornography kills love.

Has pornography hurt your life or the life of someone you
love? Don’t despair. There are steps you can take to restore what the
enemy has stolen (see p. 37).

And you can take solace in God’s word to you: “Your Maker
is Your Husband—and I’m not just any husband. I’m the God of the whole
earth, the Lord of Hosts, and your Redeemer. I’m calling to you.

“I know you feel forsaken. I know you’re heartbroken. You
were wooed and won in your youth. Now you’ve been rejected and scorned.
Listen to Me. I’ll tenderly gather you into My arms, and I will have
compassion on you” (Is. 54:5-7, paraphased).

Laurie Hall learned of her husband’s addiction to
pornography after 18 years of marriage. Since then, she has supported
countless women in similar situations. She is the author of An Affair of the Mind (Tyndale) and The Cleavers Don’t Live Here Anymore (Vine Books).