Is Your Teen Getting the Message?

Brick #4: Missing the heart. When we
miscommunicate, we miss the heart of our teen. My focus was on how Amy
and John looked and how that would make me look.

Church members thought I was a great youth minister and
wise counselor, but what good were their opinions if I couldn’t help my
own child? In miscommunicating with Amy, I missed her heart concerning
John—and me, for that matter. I also missed her heart for God because I
focused on outward appearances.

Brick #5: Misusing words. When we abuse words, we
communicate death, especially when we use:

• Degrading words such as “stupid,” “dumb” and “ugly.”

• Words that inflict pain: “You’ll never amount to
anything. Everything you do is a disaster.”

• Vengeful words said in reaction to others when they hurt
us: “You’re driving me crazy. You’d like to see me dead.”

• Deceitful words that disguise our feelings when we’re
angry or upset: “Oh, nothing’s the matter. I’m just fine. Leave me
alone.”

• Words that deny reality: “I can’t talk about that now.
Let’s get something to eat and forget about it.”

Brick #6: Misreading the issue. Parents often start
to view every issue as a crisis and every disagreement as rebellion.
They misread the importance of events in their teens’ lives.

Teens live roller-coaster lives; today’s low is quickly
replaced by tomorrow’s ecstasy. Parents need not ride the roller
coaster; they can create a place of stability in a teen’s tumultuous
world by reacting calmly to daily—even hourly—crises.

Brick #7: Missing out on closure. Too often, we
leave issues hanging. Nothing gets resolved, and we end up with garbage
bags full of dumped emotions. In psychological terms, a responsible
ventilation of feelings is called catharsis—a helpful tool when the
person ventilating takes responsibility for his feelings and has
permission from the other person to ventilate.

But once catharsis is exercised, change dumping into
sharing. Instead of just letting things hang, bring closure to your
conversation.

Demolishing the Wall

So how do we demolish a wall of miscommunication once it’s
up? Here’s a four-step plan of attack.

1. Identify the problem. Return to the place where
the train of your relationship derailed. Take action instead of waiting
to see how things turn out. Do something immediately about the breakdown
in communication.

Make the first move toward your teen-ager regardless of
who is at fault or whether you think your teen will respond positively.
God sent His Son without waiting on an invitation from humanity; He
loved us even when we responded to His love with a cross.

2. Replay the miscommunication. Ask your teen to
help you replay the conversation, this time saying the right words and
listening in the right places. Replaying what happened helps you see
where the train wreck occurred and how to avoid the same mistake next
time. Allow your teen to critique your words and actions.

Remember that you are listening, not trying to defend
yourself. Being defensive always adds bricks to the wall instead of
tearing it down.

3. Get it right the second time. God is the God of
the second chance. We need to give our teens second chances. How many?
Jesus says that we are to forgive 70 times seven, which indicates an
infinite number of times (see Matt. 18:21-35).

You have the opportunity to record over the first tape.
Explore different ways you could respond to the same crisis. Work on the
conversation until you’re both satisfied with it.

4. Create warning flags. The next time either of
you senses that a wall is going up, stop the conversation. Try one of
the following stoppers:

Time out. Call a “time out” to allow your emotions to
settle down—but for no more than 30 minutes.

Affirm me, please. Ask for a one-minute affirmation—for
one minute, each of you has to say affirming things to the other.

Let’s pray. Ask for prayer. If you are unable to pray
without intense emotions invading the prayer, then say the Lord’s Prayer
together (see Matt. 6:9-13).

Write it down. Write down what you want to communicate,
read each other’s notes and then respond by writing again or
talking—whichever is less threatening.

Pray Without Ceasing

Finally, be proactive by praying—on your own, with your
spouse or with your teen. Praying Psalm 51:1-10 is a good place to
start. Here’s another prayer to help keep you focused:

Almighty God, help me as I work with my teen to tear down
the wall of miscommunication. Guide me to be quick to listen, slow to
speak and slow to become angry. Give me spiritual eyes to discern my
teen’s heart.

Make me aware of my words so that I guard my tongue. And
Lord, help me bring closure to our talks so that nothing hurtful is left
hanging. Holy Spirit, empower me to keep the wall of miscommunication
down. Amen.

Larry Keefauver, D. Min., has been a youth pastor,
pastor and counselor for teens and families for over 30 years. He is the
author of Lord, I Wish My Husband Would Pray With Me (Creation
House).