How God's Hand Delivered This Prophetic Minister Through Unthinkable Trauma

Have you ever slammed your car door on your finger or dropped something heavy on your foot? Ouch!

Your first reaction might be a swift, involuntary facial contortion in response to the pain followed by some type of physical movement to try to move the pain out of your body part somehow. Most likely your hand or foot healed up within a few days of the incident, but the feeling of having a part of you smashed or crushed is what I want to focus on.

We experience a lot of hits just like this in life that bruise us internally and cause emotional pain for an hour or a day perhaps, but then it is over and we forget about it and move on. When something hits us that is extremely hard, is exceedingly heavy and manages to overwhelm our entire system, it is like having a part of ourselves crushed from the inside out.

For example, there was a young man who not only loved life and his family but was also a motorcycle enthusiast. He had a vibrant relationship with Jesus, attended church regularly, and was married to a fantastic wife. One unfortunate day, and not for reasons of personal negligence, he spun into a guardrail along the busy freeway while riding his motorcycle. He had his helmet and protective gear on, but his head was still crushed upon impact. The destructive blow to just one part of his body killed him entirely. This story illustrates why we need to get all the inner healing, deliverance and trauma release that we can. You might be highly functional, living an externally successful life, yet ignoring the trauma deep within you. That crushed part of you, however, can destroy all of you if you keep neglecting it and do not do something about it.

The good news is you can be healed. Jesus said, “The Spirit of the Lord is upon Me, because He has anointed Me to preach the gospel to the poor; He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted” (Luke 4:18, NKJV). The word translated as “heal” in this verse, the Greek word aphiesi, means “to set free or loosen from the harmful effects of a crushed and shattered life. In the King James Version, it is translated to “heal,” but the Greek speaks of a “‘release’ from the detrimental effects of brokenness.”¹³ The word translated as “brokenhearted” in Luke 4:18 “is from the Greek word tethrasamenous, the perfect passive participle of thrauo,” which describes “a person who has been shattered or fractured by life.”¹⁴ It is the picture of those whose lives have been continually split up in pieces and fragmented. Does this describe your family life and how you grew up? If your family was abusive, addicted or divided, this is a word that would depict the aftermath in your emotions from the shattered relationships you have most likely experienced.

We read references in the Bible of those who have suffered a crushed and broken spirit. I believe this is the equivalent of our modern term trauma and explains what it is like to be internally smashed, shattered, crushed and broken. Consider these verses:

– “The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit” (Ps. 34:18, ESV).

– “A joyful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones” (Prov. 17:22).

– “A glad heart makes a cheerful face, but by sorrow of heart the spirit is crushed” (Prov. 15:13).

– “A man’s spirit will endure sickness, but a crushed spirit who can bear?” (Prov. 18:14).

– “The tongue that heals is a tree of life, but a devious tongue breaks the spirit” (Prov. 15:4, HCSB).

One of the consistent activities of the Lord throughout the Bible is to find and gather what has been scattered so He can bring it back together and make it whole again. He desires wholeness for us as individuals, as families and as nations. When the Israelites were “scattered,” for example, He promised to find every last one of them no matter how far they were driven away and to restore them as one nation (Deut. 30:3-4, MSG). When Jesus fed the multitudes by miraculously multiplying the few loaves and fishes, He commanded His disciples to “gather up the fragments that remain, so that nothing is lost” (John 6:12, NKJV). Finally, we read in the book of Amos the nature of a good shepherd. “Thus says the Lord: ‘As a shepherd takes from the mouth of a lion two legs or a piece of an ear, so shall the children of Israel be taken out who dwell in Samaria'” (Amos 3:12).

He is compelled to find every fragment and piece, gather them and bring them back together whole—a basic human reaction when we encounter a jigsaw puzzle spread out in pieces across a table. You cannot help yourself but to search out the pieces and arrange them to fit their proper place. God sees you whole, even if you are presently scattered in pieces. Just like our natural response to a jigsaw puzzle, He is compelled to find every crushed, fragmented and shattered piece of you and restore it to its proper place.

Understanding My Own Trauma

In the mess of all my trauma, I did not lose my faith in God. I have seen Him work too powerfully in the past and knew He was my only answer. At the same time, I expressed every ounce of disappointment and anger that I had. I asked very hard questions. We are in a relationship with God and honest, authentic dialogue is part of the healing process. It is healthy and normal to admit your anger, grief, sadness and disappointment and to wait for Him to respond. He did respond to my heart many times.

Prior to my memories returning, I defined myself to be a successful author and itinerant minister who loved Jesus, and a wife and mother of two amazing children. I had defined myself as an overcomer and believed I had dealt with the worst parts of my history. Now I have discovered I was pledged to Satan unwillingly, had been trafficked within one of Hollywood’s notorious satanic systems and was then terrorized by my bio father’s network of associates with sick ceremonies and ritual rape. As a result, sexual shame took on a whole new roar in my world. I did not know anyone living at my level of success who had their memories return in this manner and then overcame it.

My battles through recovered memories, occultic programming and sexual shame were fierce. It was very possible that I could spin out and become a casualty, meaning I could have had an ugly, public failure. I had to educate and grant permission to all of my circles, including our church eldership, as to what to do if I lost my mind and did something unthinkable. I had a much better idea now why some people had failed so badly and publicly when they were in the prime of their lives. Most likely, shame was unraveling them from their past, and they might not have dealt with it yet or even remembered it. With that, I told them they would have to come out with my story for me if it ever came to it.

My therapist emphasized what a miracle this was. “No one with your story has ever made it into my office,” she said. “They end up on the streets or in special living environments. That’s why I know God’s hand is on you.” I became even more determined to find a path out and perhaps provide a model for others who suddenly find themselves in the same mess as I did— especially those who are public figures like me.

If this has been difficult for you to read because maybe you too have complex trauma, you will need to make a plan to heal and to live the very best life God intended for you to have. God has a way of working beauty into the vilest, ugliest situations.

What He spoke to me in the dream, I believe He is now saying to you. He is confident in your situation and knows how to bring you back together. He is the Lord your Healer.

My Prayer for You

Holy Spirit, I pray for all those who identify with trauma and struggled through this chapter. Give them tremendous grace right now, especially those who were triggered and might be struggling to breathe or even think. Let Your embrace be felt, Your words of comfort be heard and strengthen them now in their inner man. In the days to come, help them to secure a plan that brings healing and freedom from the pain and horror of their pasts. Give them wings to take flight far above the emotional chains that have grounded them until now. In Jesus’ name, Amen. {eoa}

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