The Secret Sorrow Women Carry

“We can’t find a heartbeat.”

“The fetus did not implant in the uterus.”

“The fetus isn’t developing properly.”

You may have heard these words from an ultrasound technician or from your physician during a routine prenatal exam. I am certain you cried plenty of tears, because I surely did. Day after day, I ran into my husband’s arms and just cried. We had suffered so great a loss, but not many could understand the depth of our heartbreak. After hearing those words, how did you truly feel and who did you tell? If you are like most women, you probably only exposed your miscarried bundle of joy with a chosen few.

Miscarriage is the most common type of pregnancy loss, according to the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG). Studies reveal that anywhere from 10-25 percent of all clinically recognized pregnancies will end in miscarriage.

Pregnancy loss is a very common yet unspoken event that many women experience. Maurice and I chose not to share it with many people, but it definitely became a major focus of our conversation and prayers with God. It is a loss that touches more women around us than we often realize. After our first pregnancy loss, I did extensive research on the causes to see if there was anything I could have done to prevent it. I questioned if it was my fault. Did I exercise too much, not get enough rest, eat or drink the wrong things? I placed the blame on me and for a moment, also on God. I began to search the Scriptures to learn about what God said about miscarriage. Here is what I found in the Word of God:

 “You shall serve the Lord your God, and He shall bless your bread and your water, and I will remove sickness from your midst. No one shall be miscarrying or be barren in your land. I will fulfill the number of your days” (Ex. 23:25-26).

“So it is not the will of your Father who is in heaven that one of these little ones should perish” (Matt. 18:14). God is concerned about every human being that He has created.

 “And all these blessings will come on you and overtake you if you listen to the voice of the Lord your God. You will be blessed in the city and blessed in the field. Your offspring will be blessed, and the produce of your ground, and the offspring of your livestock, the increase of your herd and the flocks of your sheep. Your basket and your kneading bowl will be blessed. You will be blessed when you come in and blessed when you go out” (Deut. 28:2-6).

How could something so common in the world be the opposite of what God has promised to His children? If God promised His children that there would be no miscarriages or barrenness in the land, then why has it happened to so many women that serve Him? Is this a contradiction of His Word? How could a God that is so loving take away our heart’s greatest joy? Isn’t He the God who is faithful to fulfill what He promised? Isn’t He the God who will fully equip our bodies to function according to His design?

 It is a great disappointment to desire to have a child and feel there is a possibility that you will be unable to be fruitful and multiply. It can be one of the deepest levels of pain for women. It affects our confidence, potentially shatters our dreams and makes some regret that we haven’t yet been able to give our husbands the sons or daughters they desire. 

 It is a wound that is opened over and over again every time someone asks that dreaded question, “When are you going to have a baby?” I don’t know about you, but whenever someone mentions “baby” in regards to me having one, the pain of my losses returns and I mentally—and sometimes emotionally—relive the moments of losing our angel babies. I celebrate those around me birthing their bundles of joy while still dealing with the current reality that having the children we desperately desire has proved to be one of the greatest mountains that we’ve ever had to climb. “Lord, when are you going to do this for me?” is a question many childless women bring to the feet of Jesus in their private prayer time.