The divorce rate in the Christian community is the same as in the secular community: 50%. The popular, traditional message to wives who are unhappy in their marriages is: “If you just love him enough and meet his needs, he’ll change.” This popular approach is not Biblical, doesn’t work, and is a complete misunderstanding of male nature. It is a major contributing factor to our high divorce rate because wives are getting fed up and leaving their marriages.
If you stuff your real feelings and continue to tolerate the lack of intimacy in your marriage, three things will happen. One: he won’t change because he thinks everything is fine. Two: you will become increasingly bitter and resentful. Three: you will eventually hit the wall and all your love for him will be gone.
By keeping your unhappiness to yourself, you will be following the traditional Christian approach. Unfortunately, you will not be following the Bible. The Bible – over and over again- teaches us to speak the truth (Ephesians 4:15; Colossians 3:9; Ephesians 4:25-27; Matthew 5:23-24).
In Married But Lonely, I recommend the wife to get her husband’s attention by assertively telling him the truth. She tells him exactly how unhappy she is. She tells him exactly what her needs are and how he can meet them.
She asks him to join her in my Biblical, step-by-step plan to change their marriage. He will learn what the Bible teaches about the role of the husband. She will forgive him for his mistakes and continue to speak truth so no more resentment builds up inside her.
She will find out what she does to kill their intimacy. She will learn what the Bible teaches about the role of the wife. She will, with her husband’s help, heal from the significant pain she experienced before meeting him. She will also help him heal from his past pain.
Most decent, loving husbands will agree to follow this marital change strategy. Along the way, he’ll learn how to be a good husband and she’ll learn how to be a better wife. Finally, they will have a marriage where real needs are met.
Married But Lonely is also a great way to prepare for marriage. If couples go through this program as part of their premarital counseling, they will learn the skills needed for a strong and intimate marriage.
If the husband refuses to join the wife in this change strategy, he is not a decent, loving husband. He is a serious sinner. With plenty of support from family and friends and church, she will follow Matthew 18:15-17 and confront his sin.
Ask yourself these two questions. Am I lonely in my marriage? Is what I’ve been doing to improve my marriage working? If you answered yes to the first question and no to the second question, you’re ready for the Married But Lonely Marriage Transformation Program.
Over the past 26 years, I’ve guided hundreds of couples through this program in my private counseling practice in Tampa, Florida. I’ve taught this program to thousands of couples in Marriage Seminars across the United States. It’s Biblical. It’s proven. It works.
Don’t wait any longer. Act now, while you still have love for your spouse. If you keep doing what you’re doing now, your love will drain away. And when your love is gone, you’ll be done. Done with your spouse. Done with your marriage. You won’t care about your marriage and you won’t be willing to take any steps to change it.
David E. Clarke, Ph.D. author of Married But Lonely and nine other books psychologist in private practice and seminar speaker www.davidclarkeseminars.com.
Janet Perez Eckles 
Shawn Akers 
Abby Trivett 
