Everything else in that moment faded away as I looked into this young woman’s eyes, into the eyes of a woman who was clearly under the influence of heavy drugs.
I saw within those eyes a lifetime of pain, a lifetime of abuse and rejection. Her eyes held the burden of a lifetime’s striving for approval, acceptance, attention, love.
The eyes are the window to the soul, and hers was broken and crushed.
I wish that I could say that was it, the glimpse of this woman’s troubled life had changed me so profoundly that I never struggled again, but to say so would be a lie.
What did occur, was a shift in my thinking toward these women, a recognition that beneath the bravado were young women who longed to be loved.
I wanted to help these women.
I suddenly saw in front of me a harvest of souls waiting to be shown the love of Jesus. But how could I ever hope to make a difference, to reach them if I was sowing into their pain?
Each minute I viewed their outward cries for approval, I tightened the chains that bound them, that bound me.
I began to desire to be part of a solution. I began to desire God and His will in my life above all else.
When I wrote the words: “My God is the God of freedom, for those who truly desire it,” in my initial article, I was sharing with you my secret, my “how.”
I desired God above ALL else. Above porn.
1. EMBRACE THYSELF. I resolved to stop making excuses and justifications for why I was drawn to viewing porn. We humans are experts in defending our poor behavior. We can make impassioned pleas and excuses for all manner of dodgy deeds.
I’ve raised three children through toddler-hood; I have witnessed my fair share of self-justification tantrums!
Sometimes we don’t grow out of these tantrums, we just change the way we allow them to manifest.
But in order to face addiction head-on, you have to coach yourself to an excuse-free place. A place where self-awareness, self-examination and recognition of self-responsibility are not only embraced but practiced.
Whenever you are seeking to blame all or part of your behavior on someone else’s actions–r lack of actions as the case may be–you make a marked choice: to remain in addiction.
You may have a partner who doesn’t fulfill your sexual desires or appetite; you may be genuinely frustrated, angry, hurt or lonely. But when you allow resentment or rejection to dictate your behavior, you are choosing to give away much needed power that could instead be harnessed and used for self-responsibility and self-control.
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