As I was driving to work this morning, I was listening to talk radio. The radio host had two lawyers on giving advice to the callers.
A married woman called in having recently been in a car accident. The fault of the collision was clearly the other driver and she was experiencing a lot of back pain as a result. The decision from there seems pretty clear—make the claim with the insurance company and inform them of the medical component.
The problem is that in this situation she was not driving the car. The man she was having an affair with was behind the wheel. Incidentally, he was also experiencing back pain that needed medical treatment. Her fear was that as the case got more intense she would be unable to hide her infidelity from her husband. As the sad interview continued, the radio host asked her if better sex was the reason she had strayed from her husband. Her answer, “Well, there’s nothing better than new and exciting.”
This attitude is everywhere in the media from TV shows and movies to music. One night stands and hookups are romanticized, without any of the consequences or downsides. The assumption is that when you are married sex will eventually become predictable and boring.
That can happen, but it results from feelings of disconnection. When a married couple strives for intimacy, the experience of sex reaches a level of pleasure and enjoyment that unmarried sex never will.
Here are three reasons married sex is better:
1. Knowledge of one another. While there are times married couples experience ruts, I would argue that familiarity is very much a sexual strength. The parquet floor at the old Boston Garden was said to make the ball bounce differently on various parts of the floor. The Celtics knew the floor better than any visiting team giving them a tremendous home court advantage. They knew where to go with the ball while their opponents did not. That knowledge had power.
Every person is made uniquely different. We all have different preferences and tastes. Sex at its best stimulates on multiple levels: sensual, emotional, intellectual and spiritual. The ways these are stimulated varies from person to person. With more knowledge a couple has about one another comes a deeper understanding and rhythm of how to awaken these facets. This brings a pleasure on multiple levels that only deepens as knowledge of one another grows.
2. Connection in friendship. It’s always more enjoyable to do anything with someone with whom you share an authentic friendship. It’s even more fun when it is someone you love. Sex with someone where friendship is absent reduces sex to merely a sensual and potential intellectual experience. When the emotional and spiritual connection is lacking, it all becomes empty. It is devoid of its design and purpose of greater intimacy. It also is most likely followed by the inevitable guilt. Although it is important to consider that guilt, confusion and hurt will still occur without the third and final reason.
3. Trust in commitment. In my opinion, this is the component of sex at its best that our culture misses the most. It’s the same reason that sex in the context of “friends with benefits,” dating couples and cohabitating couples falls short of marriage sex. When couples make a lifelong commitment to one another in marriage, it produces security and trust. Those two things allow for vulnerability. There’s no holding back for the sake of emotional protection. Without that commitment, there will always be a higher degree of fear of being hurt, even for those couples that say they are “committed” but haven’t gotten married. The doubts are there whether they admit it or not.
The higher the degree of doubt, fear and insecurity in a relationship, the more diminished the sexual experience. Married couples can certainly experiences these fears and doubts.
However, making a strong public decision to commit for a lifetime and reaffirming that decision daily are important steps in eliminating those fears. The result is sex reaching its highest level of pleasure.
BJ Foster is the content manager for All Pro Dad and a married father of two. For the original article, visit allprodad.com.