What Women Crave

 Q: What would you say is the primary factor that holds women back from truly loving other women?

Obviously, each woman is unique in her growing-up years, her make-up and her relational needs. First, I would say it’s a spiritual battle; the enemy wants women divided and distanced from one another. If I could identify the primary factor that holds women back from truly loving other women, it would be safety.

When an agenda is introduced into the relationship, hearts begin to shrink. Increasingly, women’s relationships are not safe places for other women to find rest, encouragement, motivation, prayer and support. We don’t need to be uniformly like-minded to have another woman’s back. Having someone who is for her with no strings attached—that’s the sense she wants and needs from other women so she can let her guard down, receive some ministry and hear from God.

For some women, loving other women well has never been modeled for them, and that’s a problem as the next generation is watching us to see how beautiful, loving, life-giving relationships are formed.

Q: What are some practical steps women can take to start and form deep friendships? 

First of all, ask yourself if you sense a need for deeper connections. If you can answer that with an honest affirmation, then the next step is to pray and ask God for what you need. While you are praying, learn to initiate. Initiating with another woman feels risky because we all know the “Hey, let’s get together some time” routine, and it doesn’t ever happen. The more women initiate with one another and follow through, the greater the chances are of making a lasting a connection. See initiating as planting seeds, and watch your crop grow.

When you finally get together, the two most important steps you can take is to ask good questions and listen. Madeleine L’Engle once said something like this: If more of us had a friend whom we could share our deepest selves with, there wouldn’t be a need for professional counselors. I’m not suggesting we don’t need professional mental health care – we do! Nevertheless, many of our struggles and problems could be ironed out with the care and concern of close friends. 

Does that mean friendship exists only to serve as a sounding board? Absolutely not! And that’s the art of true friendship – to enjoy one another, have fun, celebrate the good, share life and shopping and insights.  And when the suffering times come – which they always do – mourn with those who mourn.  Learn to comfort, to show up at midnight when the phone rings, to pray for your friend.

Q: Many women are wary of being vulnerable with other women because they’ve been burned in the past. What are ways women can make sure they’re safe havens for others?

The more women can become humble in their relationships, the greater the chances are of becoming a safe haven for other women. Two areas women are longing for more vulnerability from other women are in vocation and sexuality. I’ve discovered it’s in these two areas in which we can easily feel miserable because not enough of us are talking about them safely. Once we’ve determined to put aside any agenda to fix another woman, she can open up to us. As long as we remember her number-one identity is in Christ and not in an image we want her to have, we can lessen the chances of “burning” her. I think that goes both ways.

I devoted an entire chapter to sexuality. After years of working with college students, I saw the damage we can create when we don’t talk openly about sex. Christian women across the globe can become safe havens for others as they swallow their wrong attitudes and fears about sex and listen to what other women need to ask or say. No matter our beliefs on homosexuality, pornography or other sexual issues, we must develop a grit and vocabulary to have these conversations. Why would we want the culture to have a stronger voice than the church?

Q: What is your prayer for your readers as they dig into A Friend in Me?

I’m praying for a movement around the globe for women to find satisfaction, healing and safety in closer relationships with the women God has placed in their lives. For the believing women who are silently suffering from depression, anger or hard to share emotions, I am praying for them to find a safe haven so they can be ministered to. From that movement, I’m praying for women who don’t know Jesus Christ to look on and say, “I want that! I want the kind of relationships those women are having!” My prayer is that as they examine what other women have, they will see the merciful, forgiving, compassionate, comforting love of God. 

Learn more about Pamela Havey Lau and A Friend in Me at pamelalau.com, on Facebook (pamela.h.lau) or by following her on Twitter (@pamelahaveylau).