How Pornography Kills Love

Dear Laurie,

I’m grieving the loss of my young womanhood and the
countless nights I went to bed wounded in heart and frustrated
sexually. It’s hard to look at my face in mid-life and wonder how my
husband rejected me when I was at my best—I was really pretty.

I went through the stages you did. I was obedient,
submitting even over tiny issues. I ministered to his needs and enjoyed
it, even when he was oblivious to mine. For years, I’ve suffered from
exhaustion—afraid that if I went to bed before my husband, I’d be
neglecting his sexual or emotional needs.

In the process, I was punished by his lack of involvement
in our home and our children’s lives. Worse, he’d spend days picking at
me until I exploded. Looking back, I realize that I was so hungry for
an emotional connection with him that I was willing to get it through
anger if that was the only way he would hear me.

Meanwhile, I suffered terrible guilt from the increasing
breakdowns I was having due to exhaustion. When I fell apart because I
was overly exhausted or confused by lies, I was viewed as “the problem.”

Once, when I ran out of a Bible time he was having
because I was upset that he was demeaning me, my husband shoved me,
tore the keys out of my hand and swore at me. I was afraid to tell him
how I felt. I thought that would be unsubmissive since a good wife
should like everything her husband does and not suggest any changes.

Afterward, I ran to all his counseling books. Not a
single Christian source I checked told me these “minor” abuses not only
weren’t minor but were repugnant to God. I had to go to a secular book
to find information on abuse.

It seems Christians assume the wounded must be under some
sort of judgment or discipline from the Lord. It’s almost a Hindu
approach to life—fatalistic, instead of a good, clean anger after a
wrong done.

I constantly wonder what I could have done differently. The question absolutely hounds me!

I was living within the context of a lie. I wasn’t
responsible for that lie. The false data gave me wrong clues as well as
wrong ideas about myself, the Lord and my husband. Looking back, the
one thing I should have done is pray more for truth.

Hurting

Are you as moved by that letter as I am? It came from a
woman who eschewed the feminist philosophy of self-fulfillment. She
“came home” from the workplace to give herself to her husband and
children.

Highly respected by both their church and their
community, her family appeared to have it all together. Her husband, a
well-known speaker on family issues, seemed to be a godly man.

But the truth was, the husband was hiding a secret life
filled with pornography and sexual betrayal. The guilt accompanying his
deceit showed up in the form of mind games that he played on his wife.

The Truth About Pornography

Hurting’s letter is only one of many hundreds of letters
that poured in after the publication of my book, An Affair of the Mind,
which explores the devastating impact pornography has on marriages. I
am saddened to discover that so many others have experienced the
betrayal that pornography brings to a marriage.

My letter writers and I are not alone. Studies show that
40 percent to 50 percent of Christian men are involved in pornography.
Wondering if your husband is one of them is scary.

But, some of you already know. Some of you have friends
who are suffering through this. Some of you are wondering what you
should tell your teens about why they should avoid X-rated Web sites.

Whatever your situation, the truth will set you free to
be a healthy wife, supportive friend and loving mother. So let’s look
at some of the truths about pornography.

Pornography is addictive. Dr. Mary Ann Layden,
Director for the Center for Cognitive Therapy, says that an addiction
to pornography is harder to break than a cocaine addiction and that
recovery from it is more likely to result in relapse than any other
addiction. Why?

When you view pornography, a powerful mix of hormones is
released in the brain. Two hundred times more potent than morphine and
more addictive than cocaine, endorphins and enkephalins bring on a
“rush.” The brain is just as driven to want this “rush” as a drug
addict’s body is driven to want drugs.

Pornography causes sexual dysfunction. Many people
believe that pornography, especially “soft-core” erotica, is simply a
depiction of normal, healthy heterosexuality. Nothing could be further
from the truth. Pornography contains much false, misleading and
scientifically inaccurate information about sexuality, especially
female sexual nature and response.

For example, pornography portrays an endless round of
thrilling sexual escapades with an endless bevy of breathless,
hot-blooded babes and stud-muffins. The not-so-subtle message is that
these babes and stud-muffins are more breathless and hot-blooded if
you’re not married to them. This is more fantasy than fact.

“Couples not involved [sexually] before their marriage
and faithful during marriage are more satisfied with their current sex
life and also with their marriage, compared to those who were involved
sexually before marriage,” says Dr. David Larson of the National
Institutes of Health in an unpublished manuscript entitled “Behind
Closed Doors.” Dr. Larson and his associates also found that women who
feel secure and loved and who trust that their man is around to stay
are twice as fulfilled as women who are promiscuous.

There are physiological reasons why this is so. In
healthy sexuality, two special parts of our nervous system, the
sympathetic nervous system (SNS) and the parasympathetic nervous system
(PNS) work together in harmony to bring about sexual arousal and
release. If you give a fearful, guilty or embarrassed meaning to a
sexual experience, the SNS will over-react, blocking normal sexual
arousal.

Recently, I held a sobbing woman I’ll call Jane. Jane
stammered out her shame over things she had done in her marriage bed.
Her husband stood nearby, hanging his head, saying he had asked her to
perform those acts.

He thought they were OK—after all, the women in
pornography enjoyed them. But in real life, those sexual practices
cause pain. Jane’s nervous system overloaded on the shame, fear and
pain she was experiencing. As a result, she became sexually
dysfunctional.

Pornography can cause sexual dysfunction in other ways.
Those who use pornography often develop “sexual anorexia.” This means
they are unable or unwilling to enter into a sexual relationship with
their spouses.

Sometimes this is because shame about the things they
have done in secret make them want to hide from their spouses. Other
times it’s because they are angry with their spouses for not agreeing
to act out a pornographic fantasy. Either way, sex is infrequent, and
the innocent spouse wonders why he or she is no longer desirable.

Finally, pornography usage can lead to sexual
dissatisfaction. Being compared to some unrealistic standard is a real
turn-off. Women who clean bathrooms, make lunches and kiss boo-boos
can’t compete with women who are pumped up, tucked up and air-brushed.

Pornography leads to abuse. The myth that women
secretly want to be raped is a big part of pornography. Many of our
young people believe this myth. A study of 1,700 junior high teens
found that 65 percent of the boys and 57 percent of the girls believe
it’s OK for a male to force a female to have sex if they have been
dating for six months.

Pornography also causes more subtle forms of abuse. In
pornography, a woman does whatever a man wants her to do. For example,
there’s one interactive CD on which it’s possible to have over a
million virtual sex experiences with a woman—you simply program in what
you want her to do.

The normal needs of a live woman anger a man who has been
used to being in total control of fantasy women. That may be why the
states that have the highest readership of pornography also have the
highest rates of domestic violence.

Recently, I heard a talk show host tell a caller that as
long as no body fluids were exchanged, she needn’t worry about her
husband’s exploration of Internet porn. The talk show host was
wrong—pornography kills love.

Has pornography hurt your life or the life of someone you
love? Don’t despair. There are steps you can take to restore what the
enemy has stolen (see p. 37).

And you can take solace in God’s word to you: “Your Maker
is Your Husband—and I’m not just any husband. I’m the God of the whole
earth, the Lord of Hosts, and your Redeemer. I’m calling to you.

“I know you feel forsaken. I know you’re heartbroken. You
were wooed and won in your youth. Now you’ve been rejected and scorned.
Listen to Me. I’ll tenderly gather you into My arms, and I will have
compassion on you” (Is. 54:5-7, paraphased).

Laurie Hall learned of her husband’s addiction to
pornography after 18 years of marriage. Since then, she has supported
countless women in similar situations. She is the author of An Affair of the Mind (Tyndale) and The Cleavers Don’t Live Here Anymore (Vine Books).