5 Ways to Work With God Through Your Miscarriage

There are few things in life that devastate hope and destroy joy like miscarriage. I know countless women who are unable to even conceive a child; it is bitterly painful and disappointing, for sure. Carrying a baby in your womb only to discover you will never be able to hold and take care of him or her is another kind of pain and heartache that can go very deep. It can even cause us to wonder: Where is God during a miscarriage?

My husband and I thank God for the four beautiful children we have been blessed with. We also have experienced six miscarriages. Six. It seems like so many, and looking back, I wonder how we survived. I know many other couples who have experienced the disappointment of miscarriage, and I’ve seen some handle it better than others.

In 1997, I became pregnant with our first child. My husband and I had been married for less than a year, and we were very excited (and at the same time a little scared) since we were becoming parents for the very first time. I began to read everything I could in books and magazines to prepare myself for pregnancy and parenthood.

My husband was the youth and associate pastor of our small church, and I was a first-year high school teacher. I planned to quit my job so I could be the stay-at-home mom I always dreamed of being. We weren’t quite sure how we would make it on my husband’s income alone, but we were full of faith that God would provide every step of the way.

Throughout my first trimester, I experienced some spotting on and off, but my physician assured me it was normal and not necessarily anything to worry about. I believed him. It was Father’s Day Sunday, and I was 11 weeks along. It was the perfect day to announce to the church that we were expecting! Everyone was excited for us. Then we were devastated just a few days later when I began bleeding and clotting heavily.

We held on to hope, each other and God, but it wasn’t enough. We lost our first baby. We were in shock. We couldn’t understand what went wrong. I questioned myself: Had I eaten something wrong? Was there something physically wrong with me? Could I have done something differently? And the biggest question of all: Why did God allow this to happen to us?

I remember being angry with God and questioning Him. I remember being confused and sad and hurt. I remember pleading with God to stop the miscarriage and to save our baby, but He didn’t. I remember being scared when I found out I was pregnant with our second child, Wesley (who is now almost 16).

Then came Cameron (who is 13). Next I had three miscarriages in a row, and after the third one, I almost had a nervous breakdown. I couldn’t understand why God would allow us to have two sons and then lose three babies. We were contemplating adopting a little girl when I found out I was pregnant with our daughter Trinity (now age 8). After two more losses, we finished with our son Tyler (now age 5).

If we don’t know Romans 8:28 by heart, then we certainly have heard it quoted or read it in a Christian greeting card: “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose” (NIV). But in the midst of heartbreak, we wonder how God can possibly use our tragedy for good. Through the devastation and loss, I learned many things about myself, God and life.

1. God is good, and He has only good for us. Miscarriage is not God’s will (Ex. 23:26). He is a God of life! Jesus said in John 10:10, “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.”

I am ashamed to admit that I began to allow bitterness and resentment toward God to set in. But I finally realized that God was not to blame; Satan was. God was for me no matter what my circumstances looked like (Rom. 8:31). The truth is, we have an adversary who is out to destroy us, and sometimes he gets a swipe at us. The question is not “Is God faithful?” It’s “Will we remain faithful to God—no matter what?” I realized that even though things didn’t turn out the way I wanted them to, God still deserved my love, devotion and loyalty.

2. Tell God how you feel; He can handle it. Anger isn’t a sin; remaining angry is a sin. So talk to God, your spouse and other trusted people, like friends and pastors. And remember that God understands loss; He lost a child once too. He willingly gave up His Son to be our salvation. God reminded me that just as He raised up His Son, He will raise up my lost children, and one day I will see them again.

3. God is sovereign. Accept the fact that you may never understand the reason why. Rather than asking “Why?” I chose to ask God, “What can I learn about who You are and who I am?” I came to know God and be known by God in ways that I never could have if I had not gone through these losses. And God refined my character as well.

4. Realize that people mean well. They may say things like, “There must have been something wrong with the baby,” or, “You can try again,” or, “It must have been God’s will.” (Bologna to that last one!) Even though their comments may seem insensitive or ridiculous, remember that the intent is to comfort.

5. Comfort others. Second Corinthians 1:4 says, “[He] comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.” My husband and I have been able to comfort and relate with other couples going through miscarriage in ways we never could have if we had not experienced it ourselves. We are able to say, “I understand what you’re going through, and I’m so sorry. If you want to talk, I’ll listen.” For those who have never been through miscarriage, I think the best thing to say is “I’m so sorry for your loss. Besides praying for you, is there anything I can do to help?”

So where is God during a miscarriage? He’s right beside you, holding you close, whispering, “I understand what it’s like to lose a child.” And He’s in the people who will pray for you, bring you meals and encourage you to keep trusting and believing God to see you through.

Jennell Houts is a blogger and just finished writing her first book, Gluten-Free Cooking for Busy People.