Recovering the Lost Gift of True Friendship

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J. Lee Grady

Last week one of
my best friends showed me what it really means to selflessly lay down your

Last week one of
my best friends, Chris Maxwell, organized a two-day prayer gathering for me in
north Georgia, where he serves as the pastor of a Christian college. Chris had
listened to me whine for months about how confused I was about my future. He
took it upon himself to contact a group of my friends, and they agreed to take
time off work to pray with me about some important decisions.

Chris not only
gathered nine men for this prayer retreat, but he also solicited counsel from
other friends who couldn’t attend, and from my wife. When I sat down in that
living room on the first night, they put me under a microscope and proceeded to
meddle in all my business. It was 48 hours of probing questions, wise counsel,
sober warnings, gushing encouragement, brotherly affection and in-your-face

“True friends pray for each other. The prophet Samuel even wrote: ‘Far be it from me that I should sin against the Lord by ceasing to pray for you’ (1 Sam. 12:23).”

Definitely. Embarrassing? At times. Humbling? Totally. But the pain was worth
what I gained in the end.

One of the main
things I gained was a renewed understanding of how important true friendship
is. In this day of unprecedented social isolation (when many pastors admit they
have no one to talk to) and in this season of tragic moral failure (when church
leaders wait too late before they expose their weaknesses to anyone) I have
learned that we cannot survive long without godly relationships. Here are three
qualities we must reclaim:

1. True
friendship requires sacrifice.
I was blown away that nine guys from four states would take time
out of their busy schedules to pray for me. One guy drove all the way from
Pennsylvania; two others drove more than seven hours. When we were finished,
several of the guys expressed amazement that Chris went to so much trouble.
“Lee is so blessed to have a friend like you,” one of them said.

Real friends do
extravagant things to show their love. They don’t just do what is expected—they
go the second mile. Real friendship always cuts against the grain of
selfishness. Jesus told his closest friends: “Greater love has no one than this, that one
lay down his life for his friends” (John 15:13, NASB). A few hours after He said that, He was arrested,
beaten and nailed to a cross.  

2. True
friendship requires transparency.
Jonathan and David are models of friendship because they didn’t
allow their positions, titles or ambitions to separate them. Even though
Jonathan was Saul’s son, and the rightful heir to the throne, he recognized the
call of God on his friend David and set aside his own agenda.

The Bible says in
1 Samuel 18:3-4: “Then
Jonathan made a covenant with David because he loved him as himself. Jonathan
stripped himself of the robe that was on him and gave it to David, with his
armor, including his sword and his bow and his belt.” Jonathan wasn’t going
through an airport security check; he took off his outer garment and weapons
because these things represented his future status as a warrior king. He was
signifying to David: “I’m putting you first.” The same humility is required of
us if we want genuine friendships.

At one point
during our prayer retreat last week, the guys took turns sharing their most
serious prayer concerns. Before we went around the circle we pledged not to
divulge anyone’s secrets. Then, with full confidence that no one was going to
condemn anyone, we took our body armor off, let our force fields down and
spilled our guts.

It wasn’t long before the tears began to flow. I don’t
know if you’ve ever seen a group of grown men crying—but I can tell you it is
one of the most beautiful sights on earth. One guy unashamedly offered a box of
Kleenex to those who couldn’t keep their emotions under control. We weren’t
worried about looking weak. We knew the Father was pleased that a group of guys
had discovered that true manhood is about vulnerability, not about acting

True friendship requires prayer.
Ever since I became friends with Chris Maxwell in
the late 1990s he has prayed for me faithfully. Often I get a simple text
message from him that says: “PRAYING FOR YOU.” It reminds me of the heart of the apostle Paul, who wrote to his
spiritual son Timothy: “I thank God, whom I serve with a clear conscience the
way my forefathers did, as I constantly remember you in my prayers night and
” (2 Tim. 1:3).

might be safe to say that our love for our friends and family can be measured
by our prayers for them. True friends pray for each other. The prophet Samuel
even wrote: “Far be it from me that I should sin against the Lord by ceasing to
pray for you” (1 Sam. 12:23).

Few of us would
make an appointment with a friend for coffee and then nonchalantly forget to
show up. But how many of us have told a friend, “I’ll pray for you,” and then
forgotten to breathe one word of prayer for him or her? I’ve recently gone back
to using a written list to help me remember my friends’ prayer needs, and to
record answers.

My life was
changed last week because some friends cared enough about me to get in my face,
hold my feet to the fire and offer biblical encouragement and counsel. If you
don’t have friends like that in your life, I pray you will find them soon. And
more importantly, I pray you will be that kind of a friend to someone else.

J. Lee Grady is contributing editor of Charisma and author of the new book The Holy Spirit Is Not for Sale. Follow him on Twitter at 


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J. Lee Grady is an author, award-winning journalist and ordained minister. He served as a news writer and magazine editor for many years before launching into full-time ministry.

Lee is the author of six books, including 10 Lies the Church Tells Women, 10 Lies Men Believe and Fearless Daughters of the Bible. His years at Charisma magazine also gave him a unique perspective of the Spirit-filled church and led him to write The Holy Spirit Is Not for Sale and Set My Heart on Fire, which is a Bible study on the work of the Holy Spirit.

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