In reality, faith plays a major role in sustaining marriages.
In the two-hour season finale of The Bachelorette, Trista had to make the agonizing choice of a lifelong mate. Would she give the final rose to the romantic firefighting poet Ryan, or would she choose wealthy financial analyst Charlie from Los Angeles?

Viewers held their breath as Trista turned down the opportunity for wealth and proclaimed her love for Ryan. Ryan dropped to his knees and asked her to marry him. Tears flowed. The two lovers were surrounded by glowing candles and enough flower petals to create a new perfume.

If you didn’t follow Trista’s dating escapades, perhaps you were one of the 35 million viewers who tuned in to the final episode of Joe Millionaire, the show about a construction worker who posed as a millionaire to see if women wanted him for his money or for himself. During the series, Evan wined and dined ladies in top-notch style. When he finally chose his potential mate from a cast of many, she had to decide if love covers a multitude of sins (his lying about his life).

“Reality” television has been the hot programming ticket for the last few TV seasons, and Americans are eating it up. But is there any true reality in it?

Of course not. First of all, dating with no financial constraints is fantasy for most people. Additionally, the stresses of everyday life are strangely absent in these shows. Family dysfunction never rears its ugly head. And, of course, the participants all date multiple people at one time with cameras following their every move!

The most disturbing reality for me, however, is the total absence of religious faith. The implication is that faith doesn’t matter and has little impact on a person’s choice of a life partner. Either the producers purposely choose people who won’t make faith an issue or the failure to incorporate faith into the selection process is a clear indication of the increasing secularization of our culture.

In reality, faith plays a major role in sustaining marriages. Faith matters–and it is a source of contention for couples who are unequally yoked or unprepared for dealing with religious differences. Religious and moral values should weigh heavily when choosing a partner.

Of course reality television offers its usual sexual messages too. The most obvious is that it is important to experiment sexually before marriage in order to make sure there is a physical connection.

Sex in these shows is confused with intimacy. Apparently it’s not supposed to bother the contestants if the bachelor or bachelorette sleeps with several other potential mates before making a final choice.

You may consider these shows simply entertainment, but they do influence our views about love and romance. Here’s what we should look for when choosing a mate:

Romantic love has three dimensions–commitment, intimacy and passion. Commitment involves the willingness to give to another and be faithful to the relationship.

Christians should look for more than commitment because holy marriage is based on covenant. Covenant is an unbreakable promise made for life. Look for someone who believes in covenant and will commit to a lasting relationship.

Intimacy refers to the ability to connect emotionally with another. Does your partner show evidence of this capacity?

Intimacy should grow progressively in a relationship. That intimacy should be spiritual, emotional, psychological and behavioral and takes time to develop. Look for intimacy with God as well.

Passion relates to attraction and sexual response. You should feel attracted to the person you marry. And sexual passion is desired.

But Christians must exercise self-control with regard to sexual exploration before marriage. If you have attraction, and other parts of the relationship are strong, then there should be no trouble with sexual passion when the right moment comes. And that moment, according to the Bible, is after marriage.

You can’t make reality television truly real. But you can be certain your marriage gets big ratings by making shared faith a prerequisite for walking down the aisle.

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Linda S. Mintle, Ph.D., is a Virginia-based licensed clinical social worker and author of the new Breaking Free Series (Charisma House), available at . She invites your questions about the tough issues of life at .

The search for happiness will fall short if it doesn’t lead to the One in whom contentment can be found.
I had to laugh when I read this recent USA Today newspaper headline: “Psychologists now know what makes people happy.” I didn’t know happiness was a secret to be discovered by my noble profession! Curious, I kept reading. What were these exciting new findings?

If you are a student of the Bible, you won’t be surprised. Research only validates God’s way of doing things.

1. The happiest people are those who spend the least time alone and pursue intimacy and personal growth. When I read this, I immediately thought of Jesus. He was proactive when it came to community. He poured His life into a faithful band of followers and developed an intimate circle of 12 men. And through those men, He established the church. The early church was all about community, intimacy and personal growth.

2. Happy people don’t judge themselves by what others do or have. That is, they don’t compare themselves with others. The Bible is clear that we are not to measure ourselves by the yardstick of others, only by the Word of God. As we obey God’s Word and choose to please Him, blessing and contentment follow.

3. Materialism is toxic for happiness. The parable of the rich young ruler in Matthew bears this out. Despite this man’s riches, he wanted something more–eternal life. Jesus stressed the importance of keeping the commandments but told him something more was required–he must sell his possessions and follow Him. Sadly, the young man chose material possessions over Christ and walked away feeling “sorrowful.”

4. Optimism is important, even in dark times. Because of Christ, hope abounds. Jeremiah 32:17 proclaims: “‘Ah, Lord God! Behold, You have made the heavens and the earth by Your great power and outstretched arm. There is nothing too hard for You'” (NKJV). In the last chapter of Job, after Job suffers much and has been tested, he cries out, “‘I know that You can do everything, and that no purpose of Yours can be withheld from You'” (Job 42:2).

Over and over, we are given biblical examples of people who refused to be downtrodden because of circumstances or events. Their hope was in the Lord. The end result is rest and peace.

5. Actions matter. It’s not just what you believe or your outlook on life that contributes to happiness. People who give to others and aren’t self-absorbed are more satisfied with life. No surprise here. God gave His only begotten Son, the ultimate sacrificial gift. Giving is a biblical principle whether it involves finances, service, food, shelter, time or talent. The result of giving is blessing.

6. Happy people know their strengths and use them. We are stewards of God’s gifts and are to use them for His glory. When you move in those gifts and do what God has equipped you to do, you are happy. Psychologists call this moving in the “flow.” People of faith “flow” in the Spirit.

7. People who feel gratitude are happy. We are eternally grateful for Jesus and His sacrifice and for all God has done in our lives. Out of that genuine gratitude flows happiness.

8. The strongest link to happiness is a willingness to forgive others. The benefits of forgiveness are well-documented psychologically. For the believer, forgiveness is not an option; it is a command from Jesus. We forgive others because He forgave us.

After revealing these secrets to happiness, the article concluded with the following comment: “We should have more trust in our own resilience and less confidence in our predictions about how we’ll feel. We should be a bit more humble and a bit more brave.”

The researcher got it half right. We will never find happiness when we trust in our own resilience. Instead, we must trust in God and His promises.

The search for happiness will fall short if it doesn’t lead to the One in whom contentment can be found. As the Scriptures declare: “Happy are the people whose God is the Lord” (Ps. 144:15).

If you want to find happiness, trust in God’s sovereignty and omniscience. Obey Him and believe that He works all things for your good. It’s not about you or your resilience. It’s all about Him.

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Linda S. Mintle, Ph.D., is a Virginia-based licensed clinical social worker and author of the new Breaking Free Series (Charisma House), available at . She invites your questions about the tough issues of life at .

When it comes to moral values, most teens don’t have a clue about what the Bible says.
In my practice, I keep reliving an all-too-common scenario. My clients, two Christian teens, have been having sex with each other. The parents are distraught and don’t understand why their children are living immoral lives.

The teens have the answer: “Sex between two people who love each other and plan to marry is not wrong. We have vowed to marry when we get through college. What’s the problem?”

My response: “You can’t know who you are going to marry when you are only a junior in high school.”

The teens vehemently retort, “We know we will be together, no matter what you or anyone else says.” At this point, they are staring at me, totally dumbfounded about why we are having this discussion.

My turn to question. “You are both Christians, right?” They nod their heads. “Absolutely, we love God.”

“OK, so where does it say in the Bible that sex between two people who think they love each other is sanctioned outside the covenant of marriage?” They don’t know, of course, but they’re certain it’s in there somewhere. When I point out that it isn’t and that their behavior is what the Bible calls fornication, the blank faces return.

The problem is that we are coming from two different perspectives. I, the parent representative, am talking about moral values based on biblical absolutes. The teens don’t believe in absolutes; thus, the disconnect.

When it comes to moral values, most teens don’t seem to have a clue about what the Bible really says. God and His Word have been made relative to their culture.

The Barna Research Group confirms this fact. In a 2001 national survey among teenagers, here’s what they found: Only 6 percent of the teens surveyed believe moral truth is absolute, whereas 83 percent believe moral truth depends on the circumstances. In other words, truth is relative to the situation.

Thus, in the minds of most teens, if you love someone and think you might marry that person, sex is OK. Barna also found that 75 percent of adults between the ages of 18 and 35 embrace moral relativism, so it isn’t surprising that today’s teens think as they do. They learned it from the adults who preceded them!

What is surprising is that the data shows that only 9 percent of teens who claim to be born again believe in moral absolutes! This means that 91 percent of the Christian teens they surveyed make up moral rules according to their own circumstances.

And how do these teens make their moral decisions? By how they feel in a situation, by whatever gives them the most benefit, by whatever makes the most people happy, by expectations of friends and families, and by parental values. A small group of teens (7 percent) reported making moral decisions based on biblical principles.

Obviously, we have a lot of work to do. We’ve dropped the ball when it comes to transmitting the timelessness of the gospel. Jesus’ message was not relative to the culture, the time or a specific situation. Included in His Word are timeless truths about moral behavior.

So if you are a parent, a youth leader or someone who cares about teens and kids, you are in a battle. You have to counteract the daily bombardment of cultural relativity.

Start encouraging teens to check out what the Bible really has to say on numerous moral subjects. Don’t moralize with the teens; open a dialogue and explore Scripture. They may be ignorant, but they aren’t stupid!

Focus dinner discussions on daily news items and school happenings that allow you to present the biblical view. Use pop culture to comment on the beliefs of non-Christians with the words of Christ. Talk about the impact of relativism on their thoughts and emotions.

Moral absolutes aren’t a fad that went out with go-go boots. They are words of life given by our Creator. However you can package this important ongoing discussion about values, have at it, for it’s the power of the Word that transforms lives.

Did Sept. 11, 2001, spiritually change you? If the change lasted?

The anniversary of any significant loss is a somber day–the first anniversary being particularly difficult. This Sept. 11, every American will wake up and remember. For some, it will be a day of deep pain as they look across the dinner table at an empty seat.

New Yorkers will be mindful on their commutes to work. Some people will replay over and over in their minds the sight of the planes crashing into the towers of the World Trade Center. Others, like myself, will call or send a note to a friend who lost a loved one that day. And the majority of Americans will be reminded of how little control we have over our lives.

Loss is never easy, and yet it has been a part of our lives since the fall of humanity into sin. If we are healthy, we face the loss and grieve.

We allow our emotions to run the full gamut of denial, sadness, anger, bargaining and acceptance. We take comfort in knowing that even Jesus, when faced with death, felt momentarily forsaken. But as He confronted His grief, He was transformed.

Pain, though not easily embraced, is a gift that keeps us aware of our fragility and smallness in relation to God. Pain signals us that something is wrong.

It gets our attention and awakens us to God’s sovereignty. If we embrace it, it can change us.

But we Americans don’t like to feel pain. We have become experts at numbing it. Pleasure and satisfaction are our gods.

Last year, we grieved over the men and women who were murdered by madmen. But how many of us allowed the pain to transform us?

A few months ago, I read a newspaper article about Las Vegas hotels. In it, the hotels announced that their experiment with a family-friendly marketing strategy was a thing of the past. They were purposely reverting to the known success formula of sex, drinking and gambling, with a renewed commitment to more strip shows and nudity. Why? Because that’s what their customers want.

This small news item hardly shook the world. But it reminded me how desperately Americans want to forget pain and how quickly they turn to ungodly means of numbing it.

But what if we allowed the pain of Sept. 11 to truly transform us? Could we utter those words of Job, “‘I have heard of You by the hearing of the ear, but now my eye sees You'” (Job 42:5, NKJV)?

Tragedy provides an opportunity to take us to that intimate place of knowing Him. When we are grieving and crave personal comfort, a Sunday school God isn’t enough. We need a very real heavenly Father who will give us His oil of joy for mourning.

This September do a “Job assessment.” Ask some tough questions: Did Sept. 11, 2001, spiritually change you? If so, was it for only a short time after the event, or has the change lasted?

Have I repented and turned from my sin? Do I now know God in a more intimate way? Am I aware of Him daily and living my life to glorify Him in all I do? Am I mindful of my powerlessness and His sovereignty?

Then look around for signs of transformation in others–neighbors who now are willing to talk about God, married couples who have recommitted to a lifelong covenant, sons who have sobered up, daughters who have come back home. Las Vegas may want to get back to the business of sex and addiction, but many people whose lives were changed as a result of our national pain have a different attitude.

This month, allow yourself to experience the pain of past losses. Remember how you felt a year ago–small and fragile.

Don’t allow yourself to go back to numbing your pain and pretending you have control over your life. Go ahead and grieve. Acknowledge your place by rereading God’s words in Job 38: “‘Where were you when I laid the foundations of the earth? Tell Me, if you have understanding'” (Job 38:4).

In reality, our understanding is finite, but, like Job, we don’t have to understand. All we need is faith and a relationship with God. Our pain can then be transformed for His glory.

I was intrigued. I could relate to Harry Potter. I’ve seen him in therapy a
hundred times.
When I was asked to be on yet another TV program to discuss Harry Potter, I responded: “What more needs to be said? In my opinion, the topic has been run into the ground.”

The producer pressed: “Public interest is still high and probably will remain so. We want your view not only as a mom but as a therapist.”

I reluctantly agreed to do the show. My hesitancy had to do with the line that has been drawn in the sand by the Christian community.

On the one hand you have those who feel anything to do with Harry Potter is evil. On the other, you have the lovers of literature who see the book series as classic and compare it to the writings of C.S. Lewis and . Tolkien.

I’ve sat at swimming events and ballet programs, in church and in shoe stores
listening to parents attribute their children’s newfound reading interest to Harry Potter. I’ve heard others claim that the books elevate evil and unwittingly seduce kids into the occult. Both sides are passionate and believe their position is correct.

As I prepared for my TV appearance, I wondered why I was being asked to join this great debate. My children have no interest in the books or the movie, so I had no passion for the topic as a mom. And I generally dislike this type of discussion because it tends to alienate the Christian community from the very people we need to reach.

But as a therapist, I was intrigued. After I read the first paragraphs of the book, I could relate to Harry Potter. I’ve seen him in therapy a hundred times.

Harry is a child of trauma (murdered parents) who is forced to live with people who care little about him and show no genuine affection. He is often mistreated and emotionally neglected. Essentially alone, he faces the world as one of the disenfranchised.

What he finds among the world of wizards and witches is acceptance. It is the supernatural world of evil that mentors him, befriends him and allows him to operate in his gifts.

I thought of all the children of divorce who feel like Harry–traumatized by the loss of the family unit and often forced to live with new people who have no interest in their emotional lives. They are the modern-day Cinderellas whose princes never come.

I thought of those who have been sexually molested and learn to survive by fantasizing and mentally disconnecting from their physical bodies. Or those who know rejection because of their gay lifestyle, past abortion, addictions or homelessness.

They receive neither love nor acceptance from the church. But in the company of sinners, they are welcomed.

And when they enter a world of darkness, the longing for power and love draws them. Like Harry, they are the disenfranchised who yearn (as we all do) for something bigger than our mortal selves.

Then I remembered a “Harry Potter” in Brooklyn, New York–an unlovable man who swaggered into a church one Easter. The man was homeless and often slept outside the doors of the church.

He made his way to the altar, heading for pastor Jim Cymbala. Cymbala’s first thought was: Oh, no, not on Easter! This guy is probably a panhandler.

The stench of urine overwhelmed him. But as the Holy Spirit convicted Cymbala of his judgment, he obediently turned his head toward the man.

A miracle happened. The stench became a sweet smell, and the pastor saw the stranger with Christ’s eyes. As he prayed for and embraced him, the homeless found a home. Thankfully, it wasn’t a place of wizardry or lies. It was the love of Christ.

People long to be a part of something that connects them to unconditional love. They have gifts that either have never been awakened or are used for evil rather than good. They long for a supernatural power to help them overcome rejection and trauma.

When the church awakens to the need around us, we won’t be hearing so much about what’s wrong with Harry Potter. People will be talking about what is right with the body of Christ.

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Linda S. Mintle, Ph.D., is a Virginia-based licensed clinical social worker and author of Divorce Proofing Your Marriage (Siloam Press), available at . She welcomes your questions about the tough issues of life at .

Month after month, one particular article on my Web site receives an unusually high number of hits: “Overcoming Sexual Temptation.” Many Christians, such as the reader quoted below, find sexual temptation a difficult struggle and walk in constant condemnation.

“I have failed God many times in the area of sexual lust. I find myself thinking about impure thoughts. I confess my sin, ask forgiveness and repent. I do OK for a few days but find myself back where I started. I feel out of control. How can I break this cycle?”

Here are the steps:

1. Stop sexual thoughts. Think on things that are pure, as the Scriptures command (see Phil. 4:8). You can control where your thoughts go by making a mental choice to focus on something nonsexual.

2. Remove sources of sexual temptation. Identify the things in your life that are contributing to the problem. Then remove them as sources of temptation. Areas to check include:

Movies: Avoid ones that encourage lust and erotica. They make it impossible for you to “flee from temptation.”

Television: It may be time to rethink channel and program choices.

Magazines: The visual images can be arousing. The stories and suggestions often encourage lust.

Books: Reading steamy romance novels won’t help you focus your thoughts on what is pure and virtuous.

Peer group: What values are reinforced? How explicit and graphic is the talk? Is being a virgin considered weird? Are your friends committing adultery?

Family: Some families don’t model appropriate sexual behavior, limit sexual exposure or have good sexual boundaries. Know what’s right and what isn’t.

Computer: The Internet gives easy access to pornography. Put on parental controls or a filter system or unsubscribe if you can’t seem to resist.

Alcohol: More illicit sex happens under the influence of alcohol because inhibitions are removed. Don’t indulge.

Job environment: Resist pressure to be part of the group, go to bars and engage in sexual talk. And watch those opposite-sex friendships. Many affairs begin with an understanding, sympathetic, listening co-worker.

3. Purpose in your heart to follow God’s Word. Don’t be ruled by passion. No matter what you feel, act with your brain and not your emotions.

4. Don’t put yourself in tempting places. In the same way that a recovered alcoholic would shun going into a bar, you must avoid going to places that make resistance tough (for example, X-rated movies, strip joints, bars). When Satan tempted Eve, she engaged him in conversation instead of telling him to go crawl somewhere else. We all know the outcome of her choice!

5. Resist with the Word. When Satan came to Jesus, His defense was to speak the Word. Satan did not argue with Scripture; he left.

6. Don’t lie to yourself. Many Christians think they can handle a lot more sexually explicit material than they can. We aren’t aware of the subtle influence it has and the desensitization that takes place as a result of regular exposure.

7. Keep your walk with the Lord strong. Develop an intimate relationship with your heavenly Father. Difficult times come when we get out of fellowship with God. He doesn’t leave us; we stop relating to Him. It is imperative that we stay connected.

8. If you fall, don’t live in condemnation. Recognize your mistake, ask God to forgive you and turn from sin. True repentance involves a turning from the behavior. I have worked with a number of people who repent but go right back to the behavior because they haven’t made necessary changes, aren’t ready to give up the immediate gratification that accompanies lust or don’t exercise their spiritual authority over sin.

Finally, if you still have difficulty, speak to a therapist or minister. There could be a spiritual, emotional or psychological root that requires more intense work. Getting free from lust is not impossible, but it will require significant changes in your thought life and behavior.

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Linda S. Mintle, Ph.D., is a Virginia-based licensed clinical social worker and author of Divorce Proofing Your Marriage (Siloam Press), available at . She welcomes your questions about the tough issues of life at .

Our recycle bin overflowed for weeks with an endless flood of Christmas catalogs. The sheer volume amazed me. Evidently the previous homeowner was on every imaginable mailing list in America!

The catalog mountain was a reminder that the marketing of the American version of Christmas was in full swing. Apparently, manufacturers hoped to capture an even bigger share of Christmas buying than they had in previous years. Normally, I would have joined those thumbing through the pages, but my perspective on the Christmas season changed after September 11.

After that day, the catalogs continued to arrive in record numbers, but I no longer cared. I found them meaningless and intrusive. Who could think about the latest fashion, expensive jewelry, educational game or fancy doll? Thousands of innocent people had been murdered.

At first, I just tossed the meaningless mail in the trash. But later, emotionally exhausted by the news reports and looking for relief, I aimlessly flipped through a few catalogs. Maybe, I thought, I should pay attention to what the retailing of Christmas looked like before our lives were so dramatically interrupted that September morning. Maybe I will notice something.

So every day, I looked. There were pages devoted to Santa Claus, snowmen, angels, tree decorations, candies packed in beautiful boxes and unlimited toys–so much from which to choose. How many of the products were actually related to Jesus? A few nativity items.

Traditionally, Americans spend millions of dollars on seasonal “stuff.” And a common response among my therapy clients to all the shopping and entertainment is holiday exhaustion and credit card excess. Multiple sighs of relief can be heard when the buying season ends.

Sadly, we have all been obsessed with the unimportant. The “Christ” in Christmas has been hidden under the marketing madness. And most of us have been too busy buying, pulling out boxes of decorations, scheduling parties and hosting friends to notice. This year I had to repent–and determine things would be different.

Oh, I still decorated the tree, wrapped the gifts and will cook the turkey dinner. We will still go to our Christmas Eve church service. But when our family reads the account of our Savior’s birth, the conditions surrounding that event will take on new meaning.

Why? Because Christ’s birth is a story of hope relevant for today.

Think about the modern-day parallels. God chose to send His Son in a time of political unrest. Herod the Great, ruling king of the Jews, had a reputation for terrible violence. After hearing reports of a potential threat to his kingdom, he invoked Roman rule and ordered a state-sponsored act of terrorism–an edict for all male children under age 2 to be killed.

His plan? Eradicate the political threat of a baby Messiah–innocents included.

But in the middle of such evil, the Magi, the original reporters of Jesus’ birth, were warned in a dream not to return to Herod to tell him where Jesus was. And Joseph was warned in a dream to flee to Egypt with his wife and infant son. In the middle of the terror and mayhem, God spoke, and the baby was miraculously protected.

God’s plan will not be thwarted by any evildoer of the day.

Comforted by this reflection, I look away from the tree and the cute little snowman declaring, “Let it snow,” and my eyes become riveted to the olive-wood nativity set purchased in the town of Christ’s birth. My heart is calmed, and I am filled with gratitude.

God was willing to send His Son into such turmoil for us. Jesus left His place of comfort and began and ended His time on earth at the hands of violent men. Far from the seat of Roman power, a Savior was born in a lowly manger. The powerful forces of evil unleashed in an act of terrorism could not prevail.

When the mail-order catalogs kept coming, I had hope–not because America was getting back to “normal” but because a child was born more than 2,000 years ago. Jesus’ birth was the beginning of His plan to once and for all defeat evil. What hope for the future! Now, that I can celebrate.

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Linda S. Mintle, Ph.D., is a Chicago-based licensed clinical social worker and author of Divorce Proofing Your Marriage (Siloam Press), available at . She welcomes your questions about the tough issues of life at .

Ordinarily I am not a morning television viewer. But on that terrifying Tuesday, Sept. 11, I was sitting in the customer service lounge of the local Jeep dealership, where the television was tuned to Good Morning America. I saw the unbelievable footage of the blasted World Trade Center.

At first, I thought a troubled plane was off course and computer animation was showing us what could happen. Then the reality of the sudden, unexpected trauma overwhelmed me.

What happens to our emotional and mental state when we witness trauma? How do we cope with surreal events that touch and alter our lives?

Media reports give us a glimpse into the variety of possible responses–a dazed, soot-covered woman finds herself 22 miles from the World Trade Center, unable to account for how she got there; an angry father of a deceased son screams for revenge; a New York resident weeps uncontrollably.

At first, we all are numb as we experience events that tax our abilities to cope. Later we may have other responses. These can vary over time and from person to person, and include:

* Intense, unpredictable feelings. Our mood can shift from depressed to anxious to sad to angry. Irritability increases, and fear is heightened. We may unexpectedly burst into tears or feel incredible sadness. We may experience guilt, confusion, isolation, fear, panic and anxiety.

* Disturbed sleep. Sleeping may bring nightmares and dreams about feeling vulnerable and out of control.

* Decreased productivity. We may find it difficult to concentrate on daily tasks.

* Physical symptoms. These include headaches, nausea, chest pain, high blood pressure.

* Flashbacks. Recurring images of the trauma can occur.

Your reaction to recent events has everything to do with the coping skills you possessed before that dreadful day in September. If you were a fearful, anxious person, those feelings may be exacerbated. If you lacked spiritual grounding, peace and comfort, you will be more shaken than those with strong faith. If you’ve endured other losses and trauma, your reactions may be heightened.

So, how can you and your family cope with a disaster of this magnitude?

Talk about your feelings. Don’t keep them bottled up or lash out in anger and revenge. Desiring to bring justice and restrain evil is biblical, but hating is not.

Set boundaries with your children. If you are extremely upset, talk with other adults, and don’t overburden your children with your fears. Listen to your children’s questions and answer with age-appropriate responses. Remember, they are watching how you handle your emotional state.

Reassure your children. Let them know that feeling unsafe is common after these events. Remind them that nothing happens out of God’s control. God’s way is to take what was meant for evil and bring good out of it.

Limit viewing of graphic violence. The aftermath of the Oklahoma City bombing and other media-displayed horrors taught us that witnessed trauma causes emotional damage.

Discuss difficult spiritual questions. Why do bad things happen to good people? Why does evil abound? This is an opportunity to present a Christian worldview to your family.

Reassure your family with the Bible. Focus your devotions on Scriptures that point to God’s comfort and grace, His peace, and His admonitions not to fear or be anxious. Read Scriptures that declare evil will not prevail and justice will be served.

Re-establish your routines. Eat well, exercise and get plenty of rest. Your body must reboot. Engage in leisure, play or creative expression for tension release.

Pray together. Remember those who lost loved ones and those who tried to save them; pray for our leaders, and for all of us to proceed with wisdom.

Finally, remember that grieving and readjustment will be a long process. Life was lost. Evil was unleashed, and we all watched. We need time to heal, and we must be patient with ourselves.

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Linda S. Mintle, Ph.D., is a Chicago-based licensed clinical social worker and author of Divorce Proofing Your Marriage (Siloam Press), available at . She welcomes your questions about the tough issues of life at .

Jennifer knew her response wasn’t “normal.” She dreaded Tuesdays. Her body became tense, her breathing was labored, and she felt faint. The nausea in her stomach made eating impossible.

Could she make it through another week of class? Oh, the course work wasn’t difficult. Her grades were fine, but sitting in a closed room for three hours produced feelings of panic. Even before she left home, anxiety overwhelmed her. Her pounding heart gave way to cold sweats and a feeling of dread.

To control the panic attacks, Jennifer arrived 30 minutes before class started in order to secure a seat by the door. As long as a clear escape route was in view, she could manage her symptoms.

One week, Jennifer was late to class. Someone was sitting in her regular seat, and no other seats near the door were available. Too embarrassed to tell her professor, she screamed at the man occupying her seat. The man, stunned, got up and moved to the back of the room. Jennifer quickly sat down but was horrified by her reaction.

Panic is not a comfortable feeling. The intense physical and psychological symptoms associated with it are often frightening. You may even feel as if you will die or completely lose control. So what can you do to stop it?

Don’t panic. Panic will not lead to a heart attack, suffocation, fainting or your going crazy. You may feel as if these things are about to happen because of the physical sensations you experience. But these sensations will pass, and your health will not be endangered.

Don’t tense up and try to resist the panic symptoms. Instead, recognize the symptoms, and tell yourself you can handle them. They will pass.

Repeat a positive statement over and over. For example: “I can ride this out. Nothing terrible is going to happen to me. I can practice relaxing right now.”

Know what triggers panic attacks. There may be a specific set of circumstances that brings on panic. If you have a panic attack, try to record what was happening prior to the attack and see if you can find a common trigger. For example, panic may come every time you see your stepfather, feel enclosed, have to make a public speech or take an important test.

Temporarily leave the situation that is the cause of the panic. You don’t want to run away from anxiety-provoking people, situations or things, but it is OK to leave for a short period of time, calm down and then return.

Talk to someone. This can distract you from thinking of panic.

Get up and move around. Physical movement may dissipate some of the adrenaline leading to panic. Also, try focusing on an object near you. Work a puzzle, play a game, repeat numbers in your head, sing–anything that takes your mind off the panic symptoms.

Think about something calming and peaceful. Picture yourself relaxed and in the presence of God.

Practice relaxation strategies. Try deep breathing and alternate muscle tensing and relaxing.

Eliminate stimulants from your diet. Caffeine, nicotine and medications can aggravate and trigger anxiety.

Consider anti-anxiety medications. These are not for everyone, but sometimes medication can combat anxiety and give you time to practice new coping skills. There are a number of options that can help, but you will need an evaluation by a qualified physician.

The most important thing to remember is that you will not die from panic, and you can overcome the attacks. Memorize scripture verses regarding fear and anxiety. God hasn’t given you a spirit of fear, and He tells you not to worry or be anxious. Read Philippians 4:6-7,11-13; Deuteronomy 31:6; Joshua 1:9; Psalm 27:1-3; 2 Timothy 1:7; and 1 John 4:18.

God promises to supply your needs, take care of you, be ever-present and help you. He always is true to His Word. So don’t panic when you feel out of control and circumstances look bad. God has all things in His control. He will come through for you and move on your behalf. Trust Him. Believe what He says, and you will be set free.

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Linda S. Mintle, Ph.D., is a licensed clinical social worker and author of Divorce Proofing Your Marriage (Charisma House), available at www. . She welcomes your questions at .

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Fifty years ago, famous novelist Ralph Ellison wrote about being black: “I am … because people refuse to see they approach me, they see only my surroundings, themselves, or figments of their imagination–indeed, everything and anything except me.” His description applies equally well to those single people who believe they are disenfranchised because they are unattractive.

In today’s world, beauty is a highly desired commodity. Even though most of us don’t measure up to media standards for great looks, we believe physical beauty brings happiness. Despite the efforts of feminists, women still define themselves based on physical appearance. Those who don’t score high on the cultural beauty scale deal with rejection more than those who do.

Beauty is an advantage in our society. That’s why people spend billions of dollars on plastic surgery. But what happens when you, like most of us, aren’t one of the “beautiful people”?

A reader from Utah expresses this dilemma. “I am an unmarried Christian woman with a female roommate. People often misjudge me based on my looks and living arrangement. I am not very pretty. I wear thick glasses that don’t lend to contacts. I would like to be married, but so far there is no one interested in me. Would it be wrong to ask God to make me prettier? And how do I handle the unkind comments people make?”

People inside and outside the church do make judgments based on looks and marital status. Early on girls learn the lesson that appearance matters. Women internalize messages from magazines and other media that often lead to a preoccupation with beauty and attaining the perfect body. But asking God to make you prettier isn’t the answer.

My advice to you and others in similar situations is to take the following steps.

Maximize what God has given you. Get a stylish haircut and eyeglass frames. Use makeup to enhance your skin and facial features. Dress in ways that flatter your shape and frame.

Exercise and keep your weight within a healthy range. Do all of this for you, not some potential boyfriend. You will feel more confident and more attractive.

Avoid comparing yourself with others. This is very hard to do when bombarded by nonstop images of glamour. But remember that pictures of models and movie stars are often computer-altered and airbrushed. Most women have to learn to accept the body they were given–imperfect as it is.

Concentrate on character. As trite as it sounds, inner beauty is more important in the long run than outer beauty. Physical beauty fades, but godly character makes people beautiful. It is not uncommon to hear couples talk about attractions that grew over time because of the inner beauty they saw in each other.

Realize that your self-worth comes from God. If you know how God sees you, it matters less what other people think. Your identity must be grounded in Him regardless of appearance. To Him, you are beautiful. He did not make a mistake when He made you. You are a result of His handiwork (see Eph. 2:10). You are wonderfully made (see Ps. 139:14). He loves you just as you are (see John 3:16). You are His child (see John 1:12).

Practice being assertive. When people make hurtful comments, let them know their words hurt. Speak up in a gentle but assertive manner. For example, the next time someone insinuates you are gay because you are unmarried and live with another single woman, say, “That insinuation hurts” or “Please don’t judge me. You don’t even know me. Instead, ask how you can pray for me.”

A woman who is pretty does have an initial advantage meeting men, but beauty does not guarantee relationship success, high self-esteem or an interesting personality. Those things must be cultivated over time.

Focus on the things you can control, and work on those. And remember, inner joy and peace always are reflected outwardly. Confidence shines when you truly know who you are in Christ. In today’s world, nothing could be more attractive.