Losing weight is a resolution you can keep, with God’s help.

I am finally going to lose that extra weight and keep it off.” How many of us have uttered these words? Determining to lose weight is one of the most common New Year’s resolutions people make. They get a renewed sense of hope when the new year rolls around that they can rid themselves of the excess baggage they’ve been carrying. My private practice used to be flooded with enthusiastic weight-loss clients every January.

Unfortunately, by February, most were discouraged and ready to throw in the towel. Losing weight is hard work. It usually requires confronting pain and difficulty that has been numbed with food.

If you are struggling with your weight, you are in good company. Obesity is a veritable epidemic in our society. Nearly 65 percent of American adults, or more than 120 million people, are considered overweight or obese. And despite billions of dollars spent on diet books and health products, we Americans are fatter than ever.

Look around. For all our obsession with weight-loss gimmicks, we continue to experience record rates of obesity.

So do we just give in and give up? Hopefully not. But we must understand that losing weight and then maintaining a healthy size requires changing our lifestyles, learning to eat sensibly and doing what most of us hate–exercising.

I know this doesn’t sound exciting or terribly new. It isn’t. But it is a long-term strategy that works.

I recently co-authored a book, Lose It for Life, with best-selling author Stephen Arterburn that is aimed at helping people lose weight sensibly while growing stronger spiritually. In preparation, I read through the most recent research, looked at all the diets and kept abreast of the growing genetic research on obesity.

Though we are learning more about the biological mechanisms of hunger, weight gain and metabolism, change still happens by eating less, exercising more and changing life habits. There is also a need to recognize the connection between body, mind and spirit and the importance of being empowered by the Holy Spirit.

If you are one of the many who have failed to lose and keep your weight off, I encourage you to try again. But expect to take a lifelong journey, not a short weight-loss trip.

Any diet will help you lose weight. The issue for most of us is keeping the weight off. You can lose it for life. If you do, you will:

Improve your health. Research shows that losing even a small amount of weight can bring physical benefit.

Be free of the guilt and shame that often accompany being overweight.

Become defined by who you are, not what you weigh.

Gain an awareness of the difference between physical, emotional, and spiritual hunger and learn ways to satisfy all three.

Become more in tune with your body as you accept God’s design for you as good.

Take your negative thoughts captive, renew your mind, and think in more positive ways, attacking the lies that keep you stuck and feeling as if you have failed.

Assume responsibility for your behavior and give up the victim position.

Practice managing your emotions instead of allowing them to manage you. Emotions won’t be frightening when you learn to confront them head-on and work through the pain instead of numbing yourself with food.

Make new and healthy connections with others. This is an important part of anyone’s recovery.

Learn how to preserve spiritual gains and persevere to the finish.

Losing weight and keeping it off is a resolution you can keep, with God’s help. It will require surrendering the food, acknowledging the pain that may have caused you to use food to numb hurtful feelings, confessing to God your areas of weakness, taking responsibility for your spiritual and physical health, and forgiving your own shortcomings and those of other people. As you work on all these things, God will transform your pain and struggles for His glory. Then you can preserve the gains by staying intimate with Him and accountable to others.

If you oppose gay marriage, you are labeled prejudiced and discriminating.

I have a friend who was gay. One day the Lord spoke to him and told him being gay was not the way he was designed. Over time, he changed his sexual orientation. No one forced him or suggested treatment for being homosexual. He credits the transforming power of God for his change in sexual identity–but the mental health and gay communities try to discredit what he calls a healing.

Today, the hot issue of gay marriage has taken center stage. If you oppose it, you are labeled prejudiced and discriminating. If you voice a personal belief against it in any public forum, you will probably be attacked by gay activists. Frankly, I fail to understand the hostility.

In 1973 when Columbia University psychiatrist Robert L. Spitzer led the charge to remove homosexuality from the official list of psychiatric disorders, the gay community respected him. Years later (2001), when Spitzer presented his research findings to the American Psychiatric Association convention on whether or not a person could change his or her sexual orientation, he was blasted by gay rights activists. They didn’t like what the data showed–that some people in Spitzer’s study were able to change aspects of their sexual orientation.

So the gay activists claimed the sample was biased and infected by a religious connection, and they declared Spitzer an enemy of the gay community. What’s interesting is that Spitzer did not conclude that all gays should try to change their orientation or that they would be better off if they did. He simply concluded that sexual orientation was not invariably fixed for all people. The angry reaction to his conclusions was beyond reason.

Professional organizations such as the American Psychological Association (APA) support the legalization of same-sex marriages. They take the strong position that sexual orientation is not a conscious choice that can be voluntarily changed: “Human beings cannot choose to be either gay or straight.”

They are partly right. Human beings have a poor record when it comes to change in this area. But when you move out of the human realm and make way for the spiritual, nothing is impossible. Apparently, the APA chooses to limit God.

Other mental health organizations such as the National Association of Social Workers not only support same-sex marriage but also maliciously go after Christian reparative therapy (designed to change sexual orientation), labeling it futile and immoral. Never have I seen such a venomous attack aimed at one group.

Gay activists have been extremely successful in reframing gay marriage. It is no longer a moral, social or religious debate but a civil rights issue. Just read this conclusion from the APA briefing statement on same-sex marriage and families: “Psychological research provides no evidence to justify discrimination against same-sex couples and families.”

I would hope not. Who wants to justify discrimination? That’s not the issue.

It seems mental health organizations have succumbed to the political pressure put on them by gay activists, who control the dialogue. Actually, there is no dialogue–just a monologue. If you don’t agree with their position, you are homophobic, discriminating and intolerant. There is no room for a different opinion based on religious argument, even when people testify to having changed.

My concern is that in today’s climate, researchers might avoid asking questions if there is a chance the answers won’t support the gay agenda. Can gay marriage legitimately be studied if researchers are vilified for even questioning its validity?

My point is this. Why is there such anger and hostility addressed to those who believe differently? To my knowledge, no one is rounding up gay people and forcing them to change their sexual orientation. But if a gay or lesbian person asks for help because he or she wants to change, why should that person be denied help and forced to accept their sexuality, or be personally discredited?

Christians acknowledge the life-changing power of Christ, a variable rarely studied in research. When God intervenes, nothing is impossible. To think otherwise is disrespectful to those who desire change.

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Linda S. Mintle, Ph.D., is a Virginia-based licensed clinical social worker and author of the Breaking Free Series (Charisma House), available at . She invites your questions about the tough issues of life at .

The prevalence of gambling has desensitized our kids to its consequences.
It’s “Casino Night” at the local high school. The flyer sent home to parents reads, “Bring your family for a night of food and fun and raise money for our school.” But is exposing kids to the world of gambling and betting a good way to raise funds? Or is it contributing to the advancement of a dangerous trend?

Walk the halls of most high schools and you’ll find teens gambling before, during and after school. It is estimated that 4 percent to 6 percent of all adolescents are pathological gamblers, and even more gamble occasionally. Whether it is playing craps, cards, the lottery, dice or pool–or betting on sports events–it all begins as harmless fun.

But what may surprise you is that teens are more susceptible to gambling than adults. This is because of their impulsivity, peer-pressure influences, egos, desire to win, lack of understanding of the consequences of gambling and feelings of invincibility.

The prevalence of gambling in America has desensitized our kids to the devastating consequences of addiction and financial ruin. From an early age, kids learn that winning is what counts. During adolescence, a competitive spirit coupled with a fragile identity, ego formation and little fear of consequences can lead to risk-taking behavior.

Gambling offers quick money and a way to be “in” with those who see no harm in such activities. Every win reinforces the activity. For those at risk for addiction, “harmless fun” ends in bondage.

Usually those who become addicted are intelligent, impulsive, high-energy, good students who are risk-takers, perfectionists and possibly users of drugs and alcohol. Parents are often unaware of the problem because these teens appear to have their acts together.

But it’s not hard to identify the signs of a gambling problem. They are:

A preoccupation with gambling
Inability to control the habit
Use of gambling to escape and avoid life problems
Continuation of gambling even when money is lost
Denial and lying about the extent of the problem
Involvement in illegal activities to finance the habit
Loss of relationships, jobs and educational or career opportunities
Pleas for money from others when losses escalate and desperation sets in.

Pathological gambling usually follows a progression. Winning and bragging about it characterize Phase 1, the winning phase. In Phase 2, the losing phase, the person blames losses on bad luck and continues gambling. Money problems from losses begin to accrue.

In Phase 3, the desperation phase, debts become so high that the teen sells his valuables, increases illegal activity, and withdraws from others, feeling remorse, panic, guilt and shame. He may become suicidal and turn to alcohol or drugs as an escape from bad feelings and life problems.

The good news is that treatment is available for teen gamblers. In many cases, alcohol and drug addiction problems are also present and must be addressed. In at least one treatment model, the 12-step recovery model, teens are encouraged to turn to God and surrender their problems and lives to Him.

Ultimately, the teen must realize that indulging in impulsive acts always has consequences and that “luck” is not a biblical concept. Our lives are purposeful only when directed by God.

Surrender is the key. As we surrender to His higher purposes and take responsibility for our behavior, He guides and directs our lives.

Psalm 37:23 reminds us that chance isn’t a part of the Christian life. “The steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord, and He delights in His way” (NKJV).

There are no shortcuts in the refining process God takes us through when forming our character. And it is not until after we realize that only the things of God can satisfy the deep yearnings of our hearts that we will be less inclined to turn to other things.

Taking a chance with God is no gamble at all. He tells us that when we are weak, He is strong. And only He can transform a loss for His glory.

Reconciling a mother-daughter relationship requires both parties’ input.

Not long ago I was on the radio discussing the subject of my new book, A Daughter’s Journey Home: Finding a Way to Love, Honor and Connect With Your Mother, which encourages adult daughters to do what they can to be reconciled to their moms. I was amazed at how many women preferred to write their mothers out of their lives! Annoyed, irritated and hurt, they believed cutting off the relationship altogether was the best answer.

Though I understand the pain this significant relationship can cause, I know severing it isn’t the best solution. It certainly isn’t God’s solution. Jesus said, “‘This is how I want you to conduct yourself in these matters. If you enter your place of worship and, about to make an offering, you suddenly remember a grudge a friend has against you, abandon your offering, leave immediately, go to this friend and make things right. Then and only then, come back and work things out with God'” (Matt. 5:23-24, The Message). And Paul said, “All this comes from the God who settled the relationship between us and him, and then called us to settle our relationships with each other” (2 Cor. 5:18).

The Bible tells us we are to be ministers of reconciliation, yet when it comes to making things right with family members many of us would rather give excuses. But I don’t see any disclaimers in the Scriptures.

You may be reluctant to take the first step because you think the other person doesn’t deserve it. God didn’t reconcile Himself to us through His Son because we deserved it! Reconciliation has nothing to do with deserving anything. It is a gift offered to those who will accept it.

Reconciling a mother-daughter relationship requires both parties’ cooperation; however, it takes only one to begin the process. The journey can be difficult, requiring much prayer and Christ-like behavior. So, here’s what I encourage every adult daughter to do:

Make the first move. Worry less about what she does and more about what you are willing to do. Ask God to soften your heart and give you more of His love, power and wisdom.

Learn to be empathetic. Understanding can go a long way toward making changes that will, at first, seem awkward. Considering each others’ positions will help you both adapt to a new dynamic.

Listen. If you want to develop empathy for your mother, listen to what she says about her life. After you listen, repeat back what you heard and ask her if your account was correct. If it is, you are on your way to a more productive relationship.

Consider her worth. In problematic mother-daughter relationships, it sometimes helps daughters to think about what their mothers might have been like if they had been given unconditional love and acceptance throughout their lives. This may help create empathy even when mothers have problems. Understanding the origin of these problems may help daughters discover their mothers’ worth.

Be concrete. Talk to your mother in specific, rather than general, terms. Instead of simply telling her you love her, say: “Mom, I love it when you call and check on me, I appreciate your spending time with the children,” or something similar. This works when expressing anger and hurt as well. Instead of telling her she’s difficult, say, “I feel bad when you accuse me of being irresponsible” (or whatever applies).

Widen your lens even further. As you develop greater empathy for your mom, your picture of her will expand. Take time to think about her world, the generation in which she was raised, her sibling position in her family, her ethnicity, social class, religion and even in what part of the country she was raised. These things will help you better understand her.

If you are God’s daughter, you have benefited from His unconditional love and acceptance. It’s time to pour that out to others by becoming a minister of reconciliation. Though this ministry is desperately needed in the church, I believe
it must begin at home. When we get real with those closest to us, we can’t help but have an impact on our churches.

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Linda S. Mintle, Ph.D., is a Virginia-based licensed clinical social worker and author of the new Breaking Free Series (Charisma House), available at . She invites your questions about the tough issues of life at .

Jan sat on my couch and looked at me with distrust. “Don’t think you can help me, because you can’t. I’m not talking to a shrink, so leave me alone.” “OK, but there is one condition,” I replied. “You have to stop cutting on your body. Once that stops, I’ll leave you alone.”

“You wouldn’t understand,” Jan fired back.

“Try me,” I replied. “You aren’t the first young woman I’ve seen with arms and legs that look like you’ve been through barbed wire. I know those cuts have something to do with feeling out of control and releasing feelings of anxiety and depression. Am I right so far?”

“Maybe.” For the first time, Jan made eye contact. “My parents are putting a lot of pressure on me. We never spend time together. I guess they are too stressed out with their lives. And I’m having trouble keeping up with all that’s required of me.

“At home, my parents fight about money, bosses and our family. My mom looks depressed and my dad is angry most of the time.

“One night when things were really bad, I took a small kitchen knife and began to cut on my upper thigh. It was kind of awesome. I could focus on the blood running down my leg and not think about what was happening in my house. I stopped cutting when it hurt too much and I couldn’t control the pain. But for a moment, I stopped feeling bad.”

Jan is one of many teen girls who self-harms as a way of coping with the emotional distress in her life. As bizarre as it might sound, Jan cuts herself to relieve the stress and emotional pain she feels. Stress from school, peers and her family combined with a media-driven culture have thrown Jan into such turmoil that harming her body is one way she finds momentary relief from it all.

The momentary “high” Jan feels when she cuts her thigh comes from a release of endorphins that are secreted into her bloodstream. This provides a quick numbing or pleasurable sensation and temporarily distracts her from the stress she feels.

Girls like Jan who self-harm often do so because they feel emotionally
distant from or invalidated by their parents. Some are rewarded for this behavior by a peer group that also engages in self-harm as a coping mechanism.

Others describe feeling “dead” inside or invisible to parents, and feel alive or confirmed in their existence when they cut. For many, cutting is a way to manage overly demanding parents.

Cutting usually takes place on the arms, thighs, legs or abdomen. The evidence of it is often hidden under clothing, but a sibling might notice the marks, or a parent might find a razor or other sharp object in the adolescent’s room.

If a teen has a habit of becoming highly distressed and locking herself in her bedroom, she may be inflicting harm on herself. This is often the case with the girls I have treated for eating disorders. They would rather harm themselves than deal with a conflict or challenge from a parent.

Obviously, self-harm requires intervention by a mental-health professional. The best treatment is family therapy with a skilled and trained family therapist. Therapy usually focuses on improving family communication, lessening expectations and demands, teaching conflict resolution and problem-solving, and developing closer and more meaningful relationships with parents and siblings.

In addition to participating in family therapy, girls who self-harm have to learn to (1) identify the triggers that lead to cutting; (2) control their thoughts; and (3) solve problems. They need to be taught that harming themselves is not an appropriate way to feel alive or cope with emotional pain.

Finally, they need to discover that developing intimacy with God is the best way to feel validated and alive. Understanding that God unconditionally accepts them regardless of their failures, promises peace in the middle of their emotional storms, and is always present and willing to help can be life-changing.

The momentary high that comes from
cutting can be replaced with God’s peace and transforming power when they learn to bring all their burdens to the cross of Christ. *

Let’s Get Real

BY LINDA S. MINTLE, PH.D.

Girls who self-harm often feel

emotionally distant from their parents.

Linda S. Mintle, Ph.D., is a Virginia-based licensed clinical social worker and author of the new Breaking Free Series (Charisma House), available at . She invites your questions about the tough issues of life at .

Confronting a Christian leader is difficult. But when we don’t confront, the fallout is serious.

Maybe it’s because I’m getting older that I grow less tolerant of the behavior I see in too many American church leaders. Or maybe it’s because I’m spending more time in the Word and see a growing disconnect between what God says and what leaders do. Or maybe it’s because I’ve simply seen and heard too much behind closed doors.

Not long ago, friends of mine had the courage to confront their pastor for the deceit and slander they encountered in his ministry. They had several witnesses and followed the biblical guidelines for confrontation in Matthew 18:15-17.

The pastor denied his ungodly behavior. Then he threatened my friends with loss of membership and more.

Not only did he rationalize his actions and launch an all-out effort to quash any dissent, but he tried to discredit them as well. The pastor’s governing body stood by in silence, refusing to hold him accountable for his outrageous behavior.

In the pulpit, this man continued to preach about God’s grace, love, mercy and forgiveness. Outside it, he tried to take his sheep to the slaughter. Though many admitted that his behavior was disturbing, they excused the disconnect because “he’s such a gifted teacher.”

Christians ranted and raved about the lack of integrity in Bill Clinton’s life when he was president, yet many leaders in the church live lives of similar hypocrisy. When it comes to power and success, many of our own have fallen prey to their own ambitions.

And many of our churches are run like Fortune 500 companies, with pastors acting as CEOs. Some of these pastors are void of compassion for their sheep, full of pride and arrogance, and concerned about growth for growth’s sake. Success is measured not in souls but in numbers of sheep.

Have we forgotten that people can have an anointing from God without knowing Him intimately? The Word tells us the gifts of God are irrevocable–meaning that humans can operate in their anointing even when their personal lives are not right.

God, in His mercy, often allows us to function under our own power even while He gives us multiple opportunities to come to our senses. But there is a point at which He will no longer be mocked. We are warned that there will be those who, though they claim to have done their works in Jesus’ name, will hear the Lord say to them on judgment day, “‘I never knew you!'” (Matt. 7:23, NKJV).

The idols of power and ambition loom large in the American church. But God is looking for those who haven’t been deceived and taken over by the lust for power and success. He wants leaders who will follow James’ directive to be doers of the Word, not just hearers, and whose lives match the messages they preach.

The apostle Paul had major concerns about the sheep being deceived and wanted believers to discern the counterfeits in the church. We need to use our spiritual discernment and to hold our brothers and sisters accountable when they fall prey to the lust for power. Any of us can fall; but we need to stop excusing the falling just because we don’t want to rock the boat!

Confronting a Christian leader is difficult. Even if you act out of a pure heart, in love–as you should–you will face intimidation and accusations of being rebellious and of touching God’s anointed.

Nevertheless, we should confront ungodly behavior out of love for our fellow believers and out of a healthy fear of the Lord. When we don’t confront leaders, the fallout is serious.

Fortunately my friends are mature believers, and they kept their eyes on Christ during the crisis with their pastor. However, others have become disillusioned, fallen away and stopped attending church as a result of it.

Hypocrisy isn’t new, but it’s time for us to humble ourselves, live out a genuine faith, admit our failings and rid ourselves of idolatry. Our witness to a dying world is at stake.

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Linda S. Mintle, Ph.D., is a Virginia-based licensed clinical social worker and author of the Breaking Free Series (Charisma House, ). Her most recent book is A Daughter’s Journey Home: Finding a Way to Love, Honor and Connect With Your Mother (Integrity). She invites your questions about the tough issues of life at .

Shopping can be a seasonal balm for those who are depressed, lonely or anxious.

“I can’t believe we owe this much money on our credit cards from the holidays! What happened? This debt will take months to pay off and has put us in serious financial trouble.” “I’m sorry. I guess I spent a little too much. I didn’t mean to put us in debt.”

Now that Christmas has come and gone and credit card statements are rolling in, this short dialogue between a husband and wife is being heard in possibly 15 million households across America. According to a 2003 edition of The Journal of Clinical Psychology, binge shopping or compulsive buying is a problem for an estimated 2 percent to 8 percent of the population.

Compulsive spenders feel as if they are unable to resist buying and shop as a way to feel better. They either binge shop or are compulsive buyers the entire year. The motto “shop till you drop” rules their lives.

Shopping can be a seasonal balm for those who are depressed, lonely or anxious during the holidays. But the consequences of uncontrolled buying hit hard in January and February when credit card bills begin to arrive.

Other times of the year, shopping may be used to numb feelings of anger, depression and loneliness. It serves as a momentary pick-me-up but ends in depression, financial hardship and relational problems.

If you tend to buy things that can’t be paid for or purchase items that are completely unnecessary, compulsive shopping may be involved. Here are some warning signs. You:

* shop when you are upset
* feel a “high” when you purchase things
* compulsively buy particular items
* experience financial hardship as a result of too much buying
* argue with others over your spending
* don’t use purchased items
* feel out of control when spending
* spend time juggling accrued bills
* accrue an unmanageable credit card debt
* intend to buy one or two items but buy many more.

Compulsive shopping affects more women than men. In some cases, people report an “emotional blackout” in which they don’t remember even buying items. However, the root of this emotional addiction can be found when you look behind the activity and discover what feelings you are trying to mask.

Are you anxious, upset, lonely, fighting depression or having difficulty in a relationship? Could shopping be an activity that temporarily makes you feel better? Like other addictions, shopping is a behavior used to cover up negative feelings.

If you need help with compulsive spending, try applying these strategies to help break the cycle:

* Stop making excuses and admit you have a problem
* Get rid of your credit cards and pay with cash or check only. Hide one card for emergency use only. Let a spouse or trusted friend keep this card.
* Make a list and buy only what is on the list. No exceptions.
* Avoid sales and discount places that give a “deal.”
* Avoid buying from TV shopping channels, catalogs and the Internet.
* Leave your money, cards and checks at home when doing errands.
* Substitute another behavior for the urge to shop–for example, walking, reading or praying.
* Call someone for accountability when you have the urge to shop.

Most important, get to the root of the problem. Buying things will never fill the empty space inside. Only a deeper and more intimate relationship with God will ever satisfy your cravings. Self-control, which comes as a result of receiving and giving His love, will help you overcome your urges.

Instead of covering your negative feelings with temporary solutions, ask God to help you confront your areas of hurt and wounding. What is the lie that keeps you bound?

Jesus said, “‘You shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free'” (John 8:32, NKJV). Allow His truth and His love to fill your heart and mind. God wants you free of anything that controls you and keeps you in bondage.

The work environment has become a place of unleashed rage for too many Americans.

It’s another day in the office and you have several deadlines to meet. As you open a document on your computer, the file shuts down and the computer freezes. “What?” you shout. “I need that file!” Then you begin pounding the desk and whispering things under your breath you don’t want anyone to hear.

A grocery store supervisor checks the shelves and notices products are in the wrong place. He finds the worker responsible for the error and begins shouting at him for making mistakes. The worker lunges at his boss with a punch. Both fall and sustain minor injuries.

A salesman is called in to a special meeting in which his boss chews him out for low sales. His temper rises but he manages to remain composed–until he gets back to his desk. At that point he rips to shreds most of his papers and pushes everything off his desk in anger. Now he feels even more stressed because his desk is in ruins and he has torn up needed papers.

The work environment has become a place of unleashed rage for too many Americans. This behavior is something the media has dubbed “desk rage.” That’s right, you’ve heard of road rage and air rage; now we have to contend with desk rage.

From a psychological perspective, desk rage is simply rudeness, hostility, physical violence and aggression found in the workplace. A National Crime Victimization Survey (2000) found that Americans experienced approximately 2 million threats of violence and assaults at their workplace. Of that number, 1.5 million were simple assaults.

Another study from the University of North Carolina documented that half the workers interviewed worried about rude and hostile behavior directed at them. Their concern affected their productivity. Overall, revenue related to lost productivity, increased security, insurance-related payments, and other expenses is estimated to cost employers between $6.4 billion and $36 billion.

Why are so many Americans going postal? It appears that desk rage is triggered by stress–boredom, anxiety, lack of control, demands of the job, overcrowding, noise and so on. Employers are trying to deal with the problem by finding solutions that decrease stress, such as more flexible work hours or improved benefits, but these aren’t enough.

People have to learn anger management, ways to assert themselves positively and constructive ways to handle their negative emotions. In a nutshell, people need stress management. Try these tips from my Breaking Free From Stress booklet:

Be ready and accepting of change. Change is inevitable in today’s work environment. Be ready for it instead of resisting it. Accept what you can’t change.

Don’t panic if you are laid off. With corporate downsizing, global market changes, outsourcing and so on, people lose their jobs even when they do well at them. Remember, God is your provider.

Explore fields that are growing. Skill development makes you more marketable. If you haven’t already done so, get a quality education.

Be a good steward of your finances. Don’t spend beyond your means or rack up credit-card debt. Put money away for a difficult time.

Maximize your work time. Be clear on what is expected so you know how you will be evaluated. Minimize distractions.

Have integrity on the job. Do not compromise your beliefs, and line up your behavior according to biblical directives.

Be balanced. Have a life after work that involves relaxation, family, friends and a vibrant spiritual walk. Don’t let go of your sense of humor. It relieves stress.

Don’t easily take offense. People in the workplace won’t always behave properly. Offer forgiveness even when it isn’t requested. You be the model of Christ! Your influence could make a difference.

If you need additional help, pick up a copy of Breaking Free From Anger and Unforgiveness. Stress will never disappear, but our reaction to it can be godly.

The model Jesus gave us was one of being equally submitted to one another.
Have you heard about the new football league? It’s called the Chicago Force. Here’s the kicker (no pun intended): The team is all women! I saw the amazing video footage on the Chicago news–women who decided they wanted to play football and form a league. Dressed in full tackle gear, they were taking one another to the dirt and having fun.

I have to admit my first reaction was: “That’s not right. It looks painful.” Of course that’s my reaction to football in general, but when I saw women pounding the bodies of other women, I had to think about it.

Why? Because we all carry cultural messages about what is feminine and what isn’t. My brain told me, “There is something wrong with this picture.”

The truth is women continue to push the gender boundaries. The line is far more blurred than it once was. But there is a way to glean more about true femininity than what we are exposed to through pop culture and the media.

Femininity is described in the Bible. Genesis makes it clear that men and women together bear the divine image of God. When God created them, He created both in His image.

But talking about the feminine side of God makes people crazy. Some want to make God exclusively a woman. Others see only the father-heart of God. If we look closely at the Godhead, we see what we would characterize today as both masculine and feminine attributes.

From the beginning, women were part of a divine plan for fellowship, continuing the generations and doing the work assigned by God (see Gen. 1:26-28). Eve was not an afterthought or inferior. The Hebrew word ezer or “helper” applied to her is found 21 times in the Old Testament and means “suitable for him” or “corresponding to him.”

Eve was not created to hold an inferior position. She is alike and equal but serves a different function from Adam.

Only after the fall did the relationship between man and woman become perverted. One consequence was the subordination of women and the dominance of men, which was not God’s original intention for the sexes.

In Old Testament times, procreation and the survival of God’s people were important in Israel. For this reason, motherhood was highly valued. However, in general, women were often oppressed.

But then Jesus came to live among us and correct the distortion of male-female relationships. He esteemed both men and women in His physical time on Earth. His life gives us a glimpse into the original plan for equality of the sexes.

Philip Yancey notes in his powerful book The Jesus I Never Knew that Jesus was intolerant of injustice, elevated the status of women, did not support the male structure of superiority and privilege in His day, did not fit the masculine stereotype of the culture because of both His masculine and feminine traits, had women traveling with His band, appeared to Mary first after His resurrection, confronted sexual hypocrisy among religious leaders, and showed a wide-range of emotions that today would be considered feminine–joy, meekness, sadness, grief, compassion and love.

Jesus valued women and lived this out in His life on Earth. He resisted the oppression of women, the poor and those who were discriminated against by race, ethnicity and even geography.

The model He gave us was one of being submitted to God and equally submitted to one another in love and tenderheartedness. Jesus related to God and others with humility and mutual respect.

In the Old Testament, God’s activities are described in both masculine and feminine terms. Maternal images are seen in phrases such as “carrying the suckling child,” “a woman in travail” and “bringing Israel to birth.”

But godly traits are not gender-specific. Paul directs us all to manifest the fruits of the Spirit–love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control (see Gal. 5:22-23). We are to be liberated from prescribed gender roles and to put on the mind of Christ. In Him, we transcend gender distinctions (see Gal. 3:28).

Today, American children are exposed to distress at earlier ages than in the past.
When I was asked by a national radio show to talk about how to help children cope with war, I felt the interview would be simply an extended version of my everyday conversations. Living in a military town, we knew many people who had been deployed. This war was personal. Samantha’s dad, Jimmy’s brother, Karla’s uncle, Debra’s son and others known by name were in the fight.

Hopefully, I was able to offer the listeners of that show a number of helpful suggestions. But when the interview ended, I hung up the phone and began to think about all the topics I’d been asked to discuss on radio and television in the last five years–teen violence, bullies, eating disorders, AIDS, HIV, date rape, terrorism and now war, to name only a few. And I began to compare the stresses kids have today to those of my own youth. Yes, I had anxieties and even experienced the Vietnam War, but I never lived my days worried about my safety.

Today, American children are exposed to distress at much earlier ages. Because of technology and the media, visual images of disaster, war and criminal activity can be seen daily in households. Parents have to discuss what to do in case of a school shooting, how to handle a bully that may come after you with a weapon, and what to do if your friend becomes suicidal or is slowly killing herself with an eating disorder.

Children and teens are growing up in stressful times, and they worry. They may lose sleep, complain of headaches or stomachaches, become irritable, withdraw and want to stay home, have changes in appetite or even fear going to school. They need our help to deal with the stresses of our day.

The way you help depends on their developmental age. Preschoolers are typically unaware of the violence in the world. They should be sheltered from news reports that describe it because they can’t make sense of them.

Younger children need reassurance–not reassurance that everything will be fine, but reassurance that you, as a parent, are doing everything you can to protect them. Remember, younger kids often confuse reality with fantasy and may ask outlandish questions such as, “Is that plane going to bomb our house?”

Older children need a chance to share their feelings about world events. Allow them to talk about their views and insecurities, again providing reassurance. These are teachable moments in which you propose faith and values as responses to stress and anxiety. Talk about the bad actions of people versus bad people. Explain how our choices impact others.

Teens often will take a position on war and terrorism. Their position may not be the same as yours, but help them to think critically. Integrate biblical principles into the discussion.

For example, you could open up a discussion about President Bush’s decision to go after Saddam Hussein with the question: “If there were a bully in your school who pushed and shoved you on a regular basis, what would you do? Would you turn the other cheek as Jesus suggests in Matthew, or would you defend yourself and put a stop to the behavior as David did when he fought Goliath?”

Let your teen struggle with that question. Search the Scriptures for answers. Talk about the importance of seeking the mind of Christ and being led by His Spirit.

Carry on routines. Find time to play and relax together. Allow children to share their worries regularly. Come together as a family. Children feel secure when they are with people they love and trust.

For children of all ages, limit their exposure to violent images. We know from several studies that watching violence creates anxiety and aggression in children. It also creates fear.

And of course, the most important thing you can do is pray with and for your children. Memorize Scripture. This activity provides material for discussion at the same time that it places the Word of God in our hearts.

Also, encourage your children to pray for those who are defending our freedom and for innocent people who are victims. Remind them that God is always in control and that He will help us in times of trouble when we call upon Him (see Ps. 91:15).

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Linda S. Mintle, Ph.D., is a Virginia-based licensed clinical social worker and author of the new Breaking Free book series (Charisma House), available at . She invites your questions about the tough issues of life at .