Too many
women who are believers in Jesus Christ are still unable to walk in authority
and dominion. Instead they are struggling with depression, identity issues and
diminished self-esteem. God has predetermined that you and I are to be
conformed to the image of His Son. We must receive our true identity from
Christ.
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Too many
women who are believers in Jesus Christ are still unable to walk in authority
and dominion. Instead they are struggling with depression, identity issues and
diminished self-esteem. God has predetermined that you and I are to be
conformed to the image of His Son. We must receive our true identity from
Christ.
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Many of us don’t know and understand the love God has for us, so it’s hard for us to be completely dependent on Him. First John 4:16 says, “And we have known and believed the love God has for us. God is love, and he who abides in love abides in God, and God in him” (NKJV).
We know God loves us because He tells us so. And, we know by His actions. He sent His only Son to suffer and die in order to take away our sins and provide us with eternal life so we could be with Him forever.
Many of us intellectually know that God loves us. But do we really believe He loves us? Do we claim all that He has for us?
Knowing and believing are two separate things. If we believe God loves us, we have no cause to worry about anything. He is the only one who will never let us down. There is no one like Him.
Many times we feel we don’t deserve God’s love, but it’s not about what we do to earn His love. It’s about what He did for us–He gave.
What matters to God is that we learn to accept His love as freely given to us. God’s love makes it possible for us to work through any situation that comes our way.
Take these steps to combat child obesity and curb appetites for unhealthy media consumption
As a mother, I want the best for my kids. I will do just about anything to help them become the man or woman they were designed to be. However, in today’s crazy world of diets and excess, it’s no easy task to raise children who eat right and feel good about their bodies.
The fact that more than one-third of America’s kids struggle with their weight is an indication our country is facing an epidemic of obesity. As a parent, you play a vital role in keeping your kids from becoming statistics of this growing national crisis.
Though the fight against childhood obesity has to be tackled on many fronts, there’s one you can begin to influence right now: Limit the amount of time your child spends in front of screens.
Technology powerfully influences our children and prevents them from getting enough physical exercise. Television, computers, video games, and hand-held electronic games all vie for our children’s time and attention. Time once spent outside and running around the neighborhood or in imaginative play is now spent in front of media screens. Consequently, we need to pay attention to what messages are being sent through advertisements.
I have a television, and my children do watch it. I’m not a parent who has thrown out the TV and banned all electronics. Media can be used to entertain and educate our children in wonderful ways.
However, media can become problematic when consumed in excess and when advertisements aren’t discussed. Young children have a hard time understanding that ads are not instructions about what to eat.
Equally troubling is the reality that many children are unsupervised when it comes to discerning what is appropriate for their age group. Young children should not be responsible for sifting through the messages they are being fed. That is the responsibility of the parents. The quality and content of both the TV shows and the Internet Web sites children frequent should be familiar to parents.
Take these steps to combat child obesity and curb appetites for unhealthy media consumption:
Be a positive media role model. If your children see you plop down in front of the television night after night, they will learn to do the same. Turn it off and engage in some other activity with your family.
Set time limits on playing video games. In a recent study that looked at environmental factors and obesity, video game playing was associated with childhood obesity. By limiting the time your children play video games, you open up time for other physical activity to occur.
Aim for two hours or less per day of all screen media for your children. One thing that will help you enforce this limit is to take the television and video-game system out of your child’s bedroom and put them in a room where you can monitor their use.
Help your children avoid the unhealthy food ads. Fast-forward past them or click them off the screen. Advertisers target kids with all types of media, even books, and try to influence them to buy unhealthy products that contribute to weight gain. Viewing these food ads encourages overeating and eating unhealthy foods.
Encourage interactive play with other children. This not only gets kids up and moving but also improves their social skills and peer relationships. Screens can be isolating.
The point of all these recommendations is to encourage you to take control of your children’s media environment and help them develop healthy habits and discernment. For some of you this will mean getting control over your own media habits as well.
If you would like further information about how to raise healthy children despite what is happening in our culture, read my new book, Overweight Kids. I’m convinced the battle of the bulge can be won!
Our children are the greatest legacy we have. Their well-being should be important to us. Let’s make it possible for them to grow in confidence and live long, healthy lives.
Month after month, one particular article on my website receives an unusually high number of hits: “Overcoming Sexual Temptation.” Many Christians, such as the reader quoted below, find sexual temptation a difficult struggle and walk in constant condemnation.
“I have failed God many times in the area of sexual lust. I find myself thinking about impure thoughts. I confess my sin, ask forgiveness and repent. I do OK for a few days but find myself back where I started. I feel out of control. How can I break this cycle?”
Here are the steps:
1. Stop sexual thoughts. Think on things that are pure, as the Scriptures command (see Phil. 4:8). You can control where your thoughts go by making a mental choice to focus on something nonsexual.
2. Remove sources of sexual temptation. Identify the things in your life that are contributing to the problem. Then remove them as sources of temptation. Areas to check include:
Movies: Avoid ones that encourage lust and erotica. They make it impossible for you to “flee from temptation.”
Television: It may be time to rethink channel and program choices.
Magazines: The visual images can be arousing. The stories and suggestions often encourage lust.
Books: Reading steamy romance novels won’t help you focus your thoughts on what is pure and virtuous.
Peer group: What values are reinforced? How explicit and graphic is the talk? Is being a virgin considered weird? Are your friends committing adultery?
Family: Some families don’t model appropriate sexual behavior, limit sexual exposure or have good sexual boundaries. Know what’s right and what isn’t.
Computer: The Internet gives easy access to pornography. Put on parental controls or a filter system or unsubscribe if you can’t seem to resist.
Alcohol: More illicit sex happens under the influence of alcohol because inhibitions are removed. Don’t indulge.
Job environment: Resist pressure to be part of the group, go to bars and engage in sexual talk. And watch those opposite-sex friendships. Many affairs begin with an understanding, sympathetic, listening co-worker.
3. Purpose in your heart to follow God’s Word. Don’t be ruled by passion. No matter what you feel, act with your brain and not your emotions.
4. Don’t put yourself in tempting places. In the same way that a recovered alcoholic would shun going into a bar, you must avoid going to places that make resistance tough (for example, X-rated movies, strip joints, bars). When Satan tempted Eve, she engaged him in conversation instead of telling him to go crawl somewhere else. We all know the outcome of her choice!
5. Resist with the Word. When Satan came to Jesus, His defense was to speak the Word. Satan did not argue with Scripture; he left.
6. Don’t lie to yourself. Many Christians think they can handle a lot more sexually explicit material than they can. We aren’t aware of the subtle influence it has and the desensitization that takes place as a result of regular exposure.
7. Keep your walk with the Lord strong. Develop an intimate relationship with your heavenly Father. Difficult times come when we get out of fellowship with God. He doesn’t leave us; we stop relating to Him. It is imperative that we stay connected.
8. If you fall, don’t live in condemnation. Recognize your mistake, ask God to forgive you and turn from sin. True repentance involves a turning from the behavior. I have worked with a number of people who repent but go right back to the behavior because they haven’t made necessary changes, aren’t ready to give up the immediate gratification that accompanies lust or don’t exercise their spiritual authority over sin.
Finally, if you still have difficulty, speak to a therapist or minister. There could be a spiritual, emotional or psychological root that requires more intense work. Getting free from lust is not impossible, but it will require significant changes in your thought life and behavior.
“I have failed God many times in the area of sexual lust. I find myself thinking about impure thoughts. I confess my sin, ask forgiveness and repent. I do OK for a few days but find myself back where I started. I feel out of control. How can I break this cycle?”
Here are the steps:
1. Stop sexual thoughts. Think on things that are pure, as the Scriptures command (see Phil. 4:8). You can control where your thoughts go by making a mental choice to focus on something nonsexual.
2. Remove sources of sexual temptation. Identify the things in your life that are contributing to the problem. Then remove them as sources of temptation. Areas to check include:
Movies: Avoid ones that encourage lust and erotica. They make it impossible for you to “flee from temptation.”
Television: It may be time to rethink channel and program choices.
Magazines: The visual images can be arousing. The stories and suggestions often encourage lust.
Books: Reading steamy romance novels won’t help you focus your thoughts on what is pure and virtuous.
Peer group: What values are reinforced? How explicit and graphic is the talk? Is being a virgin considered weird? Are your friends committing adultery?
Family: Some families don’t model appropriate sexual behavior, limit sexual exposure or have good sexual boundaries. Know what’s right and what isn’t.
Computer: The Internet gives easy access to pornography. Put on parental controls or a filter system or unsubscribe if you can’t seem to resist.
Alcohol: More illicit sex happens under the influence of alcohol because inhibitions are removed. Don’t indulge.
Job environment: Resist pressure to be part of the group, go to bars and engage in sexual talk. And watch those opposite-sex friendships. Many affairs begin with an understanding, sympathetic, listening co-worker.
3. Purpose in your heart to follow God’s Word. Don’t be ruled by passion. No matter what you feel, act with your brain and not your emotions.
4. Don’t put yourself in tempting places. In the same way that a recovered alcoholic would shun going into a bar, you must avoid going to places that make resistance tough (for example, X-rated movies, strip joints, bars). When Satan tempted Eve, she engaged him in conversation instead of telling him to go crawl somewhere else. We all know the outcome of her choice!
5. Resist with the Word. When Satan came to Jesus, His defense was to speak the Word. Satan did not argue with Scripture; he left.
6. Don’t lie to yourself. Many Christians think they can handle a lot more sexually explicit material than they can. We aren’t aware of the subtle influence it has and the desensitization that takes place as a result of regular exposure.
7. Keep your walk with the Lord strong. Develop an intimate relationship with your heavenly Father. Difficult times come when we get out of fellowship with God. He doesn’t leave us; we stop relating to Him. It is imperative that we stay connected.
8. If you fall, don’t live in condemnation. Recognize your mistake, ask God to forgive you and turn from sin. True repentance involves a turning from the behavior. I have worked with a number of people who repent but go right back to the behavior because they haven’t made necessary changes, aren’t ready to give up the immediate gratification that accompanies lust or don’t exercise their spiritual authority over sin.
Finally, if you still have difficulty, speak to a therapist or minister. There could be a spiritual, emotional or psychological root that requires more intense work. Getting free from lust is not impossible, but it will require significant changes in your thought life and behavior.
When we praise, we use a powerful weapon against the enemy.
When is sadness only sadness—and when does it become depression? How do you tell the difference? After all, everyone has the “blues” now and then. Sadness is a normal reaction to any experienced loss, and it goes away with time. Your emotional makeup is such that you should feel sad when a loved one dies, your friend moves away or other issues involving loss occur.
But if you find yourself stuck in that sad feeling and unable to move on with life, you might be depressed. Depression is a persistent sadness that permeates most aspects of your life.
Depression is serious and debilitating—and it is not just “all in your head.” However, it is treatable. There is hope.
As we move through life, we often get stuck in three primary areas—our relationships, our circumstances, and/or our expectations and dreams. When we face disappointments, unforeseen events and people who don’t behave in ways that are loving, depression can set in.
We may think only “big” things such as death, divorce and disease bring on depressed we face relationship difficulties, challenging circumstances and failed expectations almost daily. Some examples include dealing with a husband who puts work above family time, a company that passes you over for a promotion, not making the income you thought you would at this stage in life, comparing yourself to others or failing an exam. Losses such as these can trigger negative thinking, which brings on a depressed mood.
A depressed mood negatively affects your perception of the world, which then feeds your negative thinking. This cycle of thinking negatively, feeling depressed and viewing the world from a negative lens goes round and round and keeps depression alive.
Negative thinking is behind most depression. It is usually based on lies we believe, such as, “This situation is hopeless”; “I’ll never be able to change”; “Nobody loves me.” It almost always involves a negative view of self, the world and/or the future. When we break the lies associated with this negativity, we can be free.
The voice of depression is hopeless, anxious and negative—all counter to the Word of God. When you listen to the voice of depression, you give the enemy a stronghold, an area of your life in which to defeat you. You must replace negative thoughts with God’s truth and think on the promises of God.
How do you do that? In order to change your thoughts, you must renew your mind.
First, identify the lie that is telling you your situation is hopeless. You do this by first thinking about the despair and hopelessness you feel. Let yourself experience it for a moment. Then try to pinpoint the lie associated with the feeling.
What comes into your head? What thought is automatic? It may be something such as: I’ll never be happy. No one cares about me.
While you’re thinking that thought, ask Jesus to tell you His truth. He will speak to you if you ask Him to. When He does, His truth will renew your thinking.
Finally, praise Him. When we praise, we use a powerful weapon against the enemy. The Bible tells us to that Jesus will give us “a garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness” (Is. 61:3, NKJV). He clothes us with the praises of God.
When we do, the heaviness begins to lift. Praise is the antidote to feeling down and depressed. Don’t wait until you feel like praising—just do it.
And don’t praise God for the depression; it isn’t from Him. Praise Him because He knows the depths of your despair and has provided an antidote for it. He nailed your depression to the cross. Because of Calvary you are already free.
Many of us are too worried about our weight, our wrinkles, our thinning hair or our sagging chins. Move away from the mirror and make peace with your body.
Exhausted, I plopped down on the couch. I decided it was my turn to engage in that familiar sport of channel surfing since my husband wasn’t home. Clicking away at the TV to find something worthwhile to watch, I was astounded at the number of shows about weight and body image.
Click. Kirstie Alley in the movie Fat Actress is bouncing around the screen. Click. Waif-like Olsen twin Mary-Kate is discussing her recent eating-disorder treatment. Click. Supermodel Kate Moss is looking scary-skinny. Click. Bodybuilders are giving new meaning to the command, “Supersize it.” Click. Cosmetic surgery is being heralded in graphic scenes.
From fat to thin and thin to fat, the polarized back-and-forth media messages struck me like cultural whiplash: “Big is beautiful!” “Nip it, tuck it!” “You can’t be too thin, too buffed or too beautiful!”
My head was spinning!
Clearly, weight obsession and physical fitness are national pastimes in America. Witness the popularity of makeover and plastic-surgery programs on television and the billions of dollars spent on diet and exercise products. The sculpted workout body is everywhere—plastered on billboards, splashed onto magazine pages, paraded across movie screens.
Real or not, it all influences our view of “body image.”
Body image is no more than a mental picture we hold of ourselves. That picture can be positive, negative or somewhere in between.
Body image develops through our perceptions but also forms with the help of our own attitudes, imaginations, emotions and feelings, as well as comments others make about us. When it comes to the human body, our goal is to learn to accept it and celebrate it.
Now I realize that for most of us acceptance and celebration remain an act of faith. The fact is, we are really good at seeing our physical flaws. You might say, we are experts.
We constantly make comparisons with those whom we deem to be better than us. The result of all our comparing is frustration, dissatisfaction or anxiety about our own physical appearance.
Though our culture offers numerous commercial solutions for body image dissatisfaction—from Botox to the Ab Roller and beyond—the problem cannot be solved apart from an appreciation for our human history. We need the spiritual perspective to understand that what we see in the mirror is not the whole picture.
Body image distortion goes way back—in fact, it began at the beginning. Genesis 3 provides an explanation of how we moved from not even questioning our created bodies to embracing feelings of shame and inadequacy about them.
In short, the origins of our distorted body image developed when a man and woman decided to share a treat. Didn’t you just know food had to be involved? The only surprise is that it was fruit, not chocolate!
God had created Adam and Eve in His image. Thus they were flawless and unaffected by sin. The very creator of the universe gave them His own seal of approval by calling them “good.”
Picture it—perfect bodies roaming the garden, naked and unashamed! Body acceptance was at an all-time high.
God tells Adam that the two can eat from any tree in the garden except the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. That tree was forbidden, and tacked to it so to speak was the added revelation from God that if they ate from it they would die.
I can’t imagine any food being worth that price, but apparently Eve felt differently. Maybe it was a tree of dark chocolate-covered strawberries dripping Starbucks coffee sap!
Anyway, the serpent comes to Eve and asks her if God really said what He indeed did say. She basically answers, “Yes,” and adds that touching the fruit is a no-no. Then the serpent boldly lies to her and says: “You won’t die. In fact, you’ll be like God, knowing good and evil.”
The next phase of Eve’s temptation exemplifies seduction in three areas:
When Eve saw that the fruit on the forbidden tree was “good for food,” she was enticed. Never mind that God said to avoid it; she saw a personal benefit there. It looked like it would taste great and provide nourishment.
Her reaction illustrates a truth about us all: When we are deceived we make certain choices solely because we believe personal gain will come from the decisions.
Attaining the perfect body usually includes this temptation. We’re convinced there is real benefit to all the obsessing we do and all the improvements we make.
The culture reinforces this belief. Having beauty, thinness, the six-pack abs and whatever else, equals success, opportunity and wealth. We are drawn in by the potential for personal reward. Especially when the benefit to us would be instant and, we think, permanent!
Eve also noticed that the fruit pleased her eyes. She liked what she saw. She took her attention off God and the truth of what He’d said and got all caught up in appearances.
How often this happens to us! We get wind of something that falsely promises us incredible physical results, and we want it.
The offer of plastic surgery, creams, bodybuilding systems and so on are so tempting because they are “guaranteed” to enhance personal appearance, to make us more pleasing to the eye. But, like Eve, when we turn impulsive and care too much about how things look, we lose sight of the long-term consequences of deception, and those consequences cause havoc in our lives.
Finally, Eve believed she could behave independently of God and be OK. For that moment, she didn’t trust that what God had said was true. Blinded by false wisdom, she thought she knew what was best and did her own thing—and something shifted. In fact, everything changed.
Now, there is no indication from Genesis 3 that sin changed Adam’s and Eve’s physical bodies outright. They still had those glorious, perfected forms. What did change, however, was their awareness, or perception, of how they looked.
What to Wear … ?
After eating from the forbidden tree, Adam’s and Eve’s eyes were opened. They didn’t become like God, as the serpent promised; they became aware of their nakedness instead. And apparently they didn’t like what they saw because they tried to hide their bodies.
Think about that. Even people with perfect bodies want to cover up and hide! Their perceptions became distorted, even though they still were physically, or outwardly, beautiful.
Adam and Eve’s newfound awareness led them to once again take matters into their own hands by clothing themselves. Don’t you just want to shout at them and say, “Quit while you’re ahead?”
Their solution this time was to quickly sew together the first designer fig-leaf outfits and cover themselves. But because it’s impossible to hide from God, God found Adam and asked him a question, “Who told you that you were naked?”
Now, it’s not like God didn’t know the answer. He’s God. So why would He ask such a question? He wasn’t the one upset by their nakedness; He designed those incredible bodies and declared them good, remember? Rather, God was asking a question that went to the heart of why they were hiding and feeling shame.
For the first time we hear Adam respond to God’s question by saying that he hid because he was afraid and naked. But like the messed-up people we are, Adam goes on to blame Eve and God by saying that the woman he was given was the problem. And then when God asks Eve what happened, she blames the serpent.
Blame is everywhere. No one is simply acknowledging that they made mistakes and need help.
Adam and Eve’s view of their nakedness, or their body image, changed because of their decisions to act independently from God. Their newfound knowledge of good and evil brought them anxiety about their unclothed identity. On their own they tried to cover their nakedness and stop the shame, but they failed, and self-hatred began.
This story explains, in part, why we struggle so much with complete body acceptance. Our perceptions are distorted.
Like Eve, we tend to listen to the voices all around us that don’t have our best interests in mind. When we take matters into our own hands and try to deal with those perceptions without God, shame keeps us buying more products or taking unhealthy supplements to lose weight or build muscle. Shame also distorts the image in the mirror and says to us, “You are inadequate and don’t measure up.”
The good news is that God sees us in our natural state, naked and all, and formed us intentionally just as we are—for a unique purpose! He doesn’t shame us. When we try to deal with distorted images of ourselves apart from God, we won’t be successful. Our self-deception is just too strong.
The First ‘Designer’ Clothes
Thankfully, God sought Adam and Eve in their naked state. He didn’t hide from them but pursued them. I love that about God. We are the ones in hiding, not Him.
When Adam and Eve were ashamed, they really needed God to take control. Someone bigger had to intervene. And that’s just what happened.
God had them discard the fig leaves and made tunics of animal skin to clothe them. This is important, not because it was a fashion shift, but because of the significance of God’s clothing them instead of them clothing themselves.
When God clothed them it wasn’t because of shame. It was a covering of protection. Forget the ineffective fig leaves. They were man’s and woman’s attempt to solve their shame problem on their own.
Skins, though, had significance. They required the shedding of blood.
God offered the first blood sacrifice to save Adam and Eve from spiritual death. What an incredible provision and foreshadowing of our need for a personal Savior who would keep us from destroying ourselves and give us an alternative to solving our problems on our own.
Just as was true for the first humans, God our designer is capable of clothing our distorted perceptions with truth. He does not condemn us or our bodies. He offers grace and love.
Dealing with our perceptions requires a reality beyond ourselves and others. Will we listen to our own or others’ thoughts and act accordingly?
Or will we listen to God—the One who formed us in the womb and called us by name before we were born—and believe what He says? The path we choose will determine how well we’ll come to accept our bodies.
‘Hand Over the Fig Leaves’
The first step in achieving body acceptance is to acknowledge your nakedness, your neediness, before God. Second, you must decide who will be allowed to “cover” you. Your own efforts, the words of family members, cultural images, plastic surgeons—all these can keep you in hiding with feelings of shame and insecurity.
Wouldn’t you rather let God’s truth speak to you? Wouldn’t you prefer to listen when He calls you beautiful and tells you why?
Personally, I don’t want to cover myself with fig leaves any longer. I don’t “sew” anyway. That’s not to say I haven’t tried to make my own coverings, but this hasn’t worked. I still felt naked. It was only when I allowed God to clothe me in His righteousness that I could stand before Him, just as I am, and experience no shame.
It’s time to hand over the fig leaves and let God sew the garments that protect us from the deceiving voices in our heads. We have a spiritual heritage that brings truth to us—body, soul and spirit. It’s our choice to stand alone, naked and ashamed, or, with God’s help, to make peace with our bodies.
The characters on this popular TV show are no models for us. These dysfunctional women need a dose of spiritual reality!
IT’S A BEAUTIFUL DAY in the neighborhood, but this isn’t Mr. Roger’s neighborhood. As the streetlights darken, the neighbors on Wisteria Lane settle into their perfect-looking houses with well-manicured lawns, but behind closed doors, life is not what it appears to be.
Ever since the suicide of neighbor Mary Alice, the residents of Wisteria Lane have come out of their dysfunctional closets. And an estimated 25 million viewers tune in weekly to watch their dramas unfold and their not-so-perfect lives unravel. It is a neighborhood of quiet desperation where delicious secrets are revealed, gossip reigns supreme, jealousy and envy chip away at relationships, and even murder takes place.
Welcome to Desperate Housewives, a television show that skyrocketed to the top of the TV ratings last year faster than any other show since ER. The show has all the elements of suburban life.
There is Susan, a divorced and single mom who looks for love in all the wrong places; and Lynette, an ex-career wife and stay-at-home mom of very active children, who struggles with wanting the best of both the career world and motherhood. Bree is an obsessive-compulsive Martha Stewart-type stay-at-home mom who finds sanity in order and perfection.
Gabrielle is a bored, materialistic, ex-model who is having an affair and constantly manipulates her husband for her economic gain. And Edie, a divorcee, is on the prowl for her next sexual conquest. This season, actress Alfre Woodard, who is African-American, brings more diversity into the neighborhood when she buys a house on Wisteria Lane over the telephone and moves in with her son.
Yes, these are the women America loves to hate and hates to love. So why has this glorified soap opera hit such a chord among so many viewers? Could it be that American housewives relate to their struggles? Or is it that our lives too often mirror theirs?
DESPERATELY NEEDING GOD Maybe we all feel a bit desperate when it comes to managing the stress of modern living. We have stressful relationships–difficult marriages, friendship betrayals, annoying neighbors, unsympathetic bosses, rebellious teens, divorce and remarriage, to name only a few.
On top of this, our lives are full of situational stress such as job loss, relocations, health problems, war, natural disasters and more. Then add the stress of unmet expectations such as wishing to be married, wanting children or feeling like your career is going nowhere and you have a formula for desperation. It’s true, we may feel overwhelmed at times, but do we really need to be desperate?
No! But unfortunately, absent in Desperate Housewives is the role of active and genuine faith in the lives of these people.
So let’s rewrite their stories and help them manage their lives in more productive ways. Instead of soap opera solutions, they’ll make better choices, use common sense and grow in the confidence that comes from knowing God.
Susan is our first subject. She is a divorced single mom who is desperate to find a man. Convinced that she is a loser, she dives into ice cream on regular occasions as she watches her once unfaithful husband continue his extramarital exploits and appear to be living the high life. Feeling replaced, rejected and failed, she doesn’t realize how her lack of esteem influences her teenage daughter.
The boundaries are terrible in this mother-daughter relationship. The therapist in me wants her to pour her heart out to a trusted friend, not her daughter. The daughter is privy to her mother’s sex life and, like an armchair psychologist, regularly listens to her mother’s angst and offers solutions.
In our new story, Susan learns to set healthy boundaries with her teenage daughter, realizing she has been treating her as a co-parent instead of her child. She no longer uses her daughter as a sounding board when it comes to adult relationships.
Susan also decides to honor her singleness and stop sleeping with any guy who is nice to her. After a time of deep introspection and prayer, she realizes that she confuses sexuality and love, and like her mother, believes marriage is all about feeling happy for the moment.
Fresh with revelation, Susan says no to sex outside of marriage and decides to set a higher standard for both her and her daughter. The emptiness she feels, the rejection she has experienced can be healed only through an intimate relationship with God.
As she presses in to know God, she realizes that she is unconditionally loved and the bride of Christ. He esteems and cherishes her and promises to be her husband. She need look to Him only for all provision.
The desperation she feels begins to vanish. She would still like to marry, but her pursuit of a man is no longer based on insecurity and fear or the confusion of sex with love.
She needs a break from men and decides to concentrate on raising her daughter and working through the loss of her marriage. She surrenders her singleness to God.
Lynette, our mom who has left her career to raise her children, begins to realize the transition was harder than she thought. No one talked openly and honestly about the change. All she heard was how much other moms loved their children.
Although Lynette loves her children, she also loved her work in the corporate world. Not only was she unprepared for the physical energy needed to raise kids, but the guilt of wanting to be back in the corporate game was also killing her.
When Lynette visited a local church searching for some peace and refuge from her confusion, she was chided for her desire to work outside the home and judged by other stay-at-home moms. Now racked with even more guilt, Lynette meets a new friend who has made a similar transition.
This woman offers her support and understanding. They discuss ways to keep their hands in the business world without forfeiting their parenting roles.
Neither woman is a major corporate “player,” so the occasional consultation on a project is enough to keep each mom happy. Lynette is able to work her schedule with her husband’s so the kids are covered during her short absences. Full-time work will come later because of parenting demands.
When Lynette shares her negative church experience with her friend, the friend apologizes for the judgment she felt. She explains that authentic Christians are motivated by love and reveals that she, too, is a Christian.
Now instead of abandoning her spiritual pursuits due to one church experience, Lynette agrees to give Christianity a second look because of her relationship with a Christian woman who lives out her faith.
Bree, our Martha Stewart mom needs to learn how to relax. Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) has an organic component, and medication can help stop the intrusive thoughts and compulsions that follow. First, she musters up the courage to see a therapist who works with anxiety problems and explains the brain chemistry involved in her OCD. She then learns that her thoughts exacerbate her symptoms.
Bree is desperate for control but doesn’t have it and never will. She must surrender control to God, acknowledge her weaknesses and learn to deal with conflict in a healthier way.
She learns new problem-solving methods, ends her “friendship” with another male, grieves the untimely death of her husband and realizes that her symptoms and unrealistic expectations could have played a role in her past marital problems. Daily surrender is the key to her newfound peace.
Gabrielle gives new meaning to Madonna’s material girl. She is obsessed with image and appearance. Her inner beauty is yet to be developed because she has always relied on her body to get what she wants.
Interestingly, Gabrielle admits that she has no idea what she really wants or needs and doesn’t know the difference between the two. And her self-absorption is about to be challenged with the pregnancy she now carries. This is what pushes her to seek help.
She can’t be so self-centered if she has a child. The energy used to manipulate her husband is exhausting, so she begins to work on developing a true identity; one based on the image of God and being esteemed for being His daughter.
Gabrielle’s superficial outlook is refocused to things that are valued by God, such as kindness, helping the poor and giving to others. She realizes that the money she has is not to be hoarded but given away to those in need.
She is transformed by a new relationship with God. It’s personal and not just the religion of her youth.
This leads to confession of her wrongdoings, ending her affairs, renewing her marital covenant, forgiving others and recognizing that her interminable unhappiness comes from a deeper longing than anything materialism can buy or satisfy.
What she thought could bring happiness has only led to an insatiable appetite for more. Her newfound identity has decreased that appetite and she finds herself less shallow.
She must continue to explore a new kind of intimacy, an intimacy with God who cares less about her appearance and more about her heart. For the first time in her life, she feels valued for who she is, not how she looks.
Edie, eventually, grows bitter and tired of trying to seduce every man she sees. She’s aging, and the younger competition is gaining ground. Even plastic surgery is taking a toll, and she searches desperately for authentic relationship.
Her confident veneer is a cover up for terrible insecurity and abuse as a child. She hates the fact that she is alone. Invited to a house church by a man whom she finds incredibly handsome, she is taken aback by his vulnerability and genuine relationships. He respects her and doesn’t ask her for sex.
Edie’s curiosity heightens the chase but he maintains his ground, saying he would like to befriend her as a person. Edie’s a work in process. She is skeptical that this guy is for real and continuously tests the relationship, but he genuinely likes her for the person he sees inside, not the knockout body she flaunts. It’s disarming. Her desperation begins to fade.
THERE GOES THE NEIGHBORHOOD Wisteria Lane becomes transformed as the neighborhood desperation dwindles. The women’s lives have been re-storied. Oh, life still has its stress, but the way the women cope and manage it is different.
They no longer respond as if they live in a soap opera. The gossip is gone. The envy and strife are put to rest. The women are filled with love; they encourage one another, are honest, open and vulnerable because a new trust has formed.
The residents seem to genuinely care about each other. A sense of community develops. When stress hits, desperation is replaced with a quiet resolve that God is in control, the storm can be ridden out and hope abounds.
The down side to this re-storying is that the lives of the women on Wisteria Lane no longer interest 25 million people. There is less drama, more maturity and better problem solving based on love and a desire to be obedient to God.
The media feels these people are now extreme because they embrace God and talk about the love of a heavenly Father. The show is canceled. People are bored with no sex, violence or dysfunction. Or are they?
Perhaps there are some who would tune in to see desperation transformed. The network executives rethink the cancellation, realizing that now they can pitch the show as reality TV. And hey, there is a big audience for that!
“Friends with benefits” flies in the face of the faith conviction that sex is reserved for marriage.
Sherry attends a Christian college. I asked her how her sophomore year was going. She hesitated. What followed shocked Sherry’s mom because she was totally unaware of an unconventional dating trend often found on college campuses.
It’s called “friends with benefits,” also known as “bed-buddy arrangements” or “hook-up buddies.” And although Sherry had the sense and spiritual conviction to resist engaging in this supposedly uncomplicated sexual arrangement, a few of her friends were picking up the practice.
Friends with benefits (FWB) involves having friends with whom you can have sex or engage in sexual activity. The relationship is not “official” in terms of dating or going steady. Instead, it is an arrangement made between two people to engage in sexual activity anytime the two of them decide to do so.
Teens and young adults who advocate this behavior believe this is a way to fulfill their sexual needs without putting the time and attention into a formal relationship. You hook up, have sex and get on with life.
With the pressure of college acceptance, preparing for the future and living in a sexually saturated society, FWB is convenience-store sex enjoyed in an amoral context. The assumption is that sex happens, so you might as well take control and have it with people who are friends but who require nothing more from you. At least that is the theory.
Engaging in sex outside of marriage is hardly new behavior, but the change in attitude toward conventional dating rules should concern you. FWB is another attempt to debunk the faith conviction that sex is reserved for marriage.
The media play a part in developing the attitudes of teens toward sexuality. A recent study found that the more exposure to media sex teens have, the more likely they are to engage in sexual behavior. And with more teens regularly exposed to Internet pornography, sexual attitudes are being influenced in ways that reduce sexual partners to mere objects of gratification.
The Internet has changed the way people meet and date each other. Though many casual sexual relationships happen spontaneously at parties and events, popular teen Internet sites such as or provide new ways for teens to meet people and hook up online. You could potentially find a bed buddy online in your local area without having to choose someone from your school. That way, you could have sex without meeting that person in the hall at school the next day.
But how well does FWB work? When you talk to kids, not well at all. Friendships are lost. Rejection is felt. Sexual purity vanishes in a meaningless context. Emotional upheaval results. Deep scars are created.
Therapists–myself included–will tell you FWB will never work, no matter how much one tries to revolutionize dating. Emotional fallout is always present. To believe otherwise is foolish. But the spiritual and moral fallout is even greater.
The truth is that FWBs aren’t really friends. They are simply deceived people giving in to lust. James talks about this when he says: “Each one is tempted when he is drawn away by his own desires and enticed. Then, when desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, brings forth death” (James 1:14-15, NKJV).
There is good reason to follow God’s way of doing things. It prevents us from destroying our lives and perverting God’s design. Casual sex never works because sex wasn’t designed to be enjoyed in a casual context. You can’t redefine truth. Rationales for sex outside of marriage are based on lies.
With FWB, you lose more than a friend. You give away a precious and beautiful part of yourself for a moment of pleasure.
If you think FWB is harmless and hurts no one, you are wrong. If you’ve engaged in this practice, there is healing. And if you really want a friend with benefits, let me point you to a true friend, Christ. He doesn’t take what is sacred from you; He gives His holiness to you. You lose nothing and gain everything.